Fear No More
Soundtrack: “Self Revolution” by Killswitch Engage

Well folks, the great root canal caper is finally over. I couldn’t be happier, I’m not even sore. But it wasn’t just a day of fixing dental problems, it was a day of fixing something more internal.

I realized today, on my way to the dentist, that I don’t have to be afraid. That I in fact have no reason to be afraid. And so I will not be.

Here's a little background for people who might be confused about this fear thing. For the last 5 years I've been through a series of unfortunate events that have shaken me to the core. Nothing that has been completely life-altering, really, but they have nonetheless affected me. I've found out recently that I am not as resilient as I thought I was. I am good at pretending I’m OK and hiding the inner hurt. I’m good at smiling and saying “It was scary but I handled it well”. And while I did handle these things well on the surface, it was not because I handled things well internally. Quite the opposite, in fact. But I don’t like being a burden or letting people see how I really feel about things. I don't like being vulnerable because when I have been vulnerable in the past I got burned. And it's left me so afraid of failure that half the time I don't even try.

I've realized I don't have to cover up, though. I don't have to look strong or be stoic in times of trial. It’s OK for me to be vulnerable. I’m exremely transparent when it comes to my emotions, which makes all of my fighting to keep people out of my heart ironic.

So I am going to let people in. I'm going to be vulnerable and transparent and let people see what I'm dealing with. I'm done with trying to act tough or together or capable. Because I'm not capable. I'm not good at dealing with my shit. That’s why I surround myself with my friends, so I can forget about the stupid shit and just have a good time. But now there is a new reason to keep myself surrounded by my friends. So they can support me. And I think it is going to be awesome.

Not only that, but I truly believe I have found my place. It’s been known to others for a long time now, but I only realized what it was in the last couple of days. And I’m excited. So what is it, you ask? What is my place? It is truly using the God-given talents I have and giving them back to my Creator. And I couldn’t be happier.