Innit Technology Wonderful?!
Soundtrack: “Song 2” by Blur
So, I have been hearing friends of mine talking about Skype and I decided to check it out. Skype is a cool little program that lets you talk to friends for free. And by talk I don’t mean instant message, I mean talk. Like people used to do back in the 90’s. The great thing about it is that it is free. It doesn’t stop there, though. Skype offers some super cool features like Skype SMS (which allows you to text a la your super expensive cellular phone plan) and SkypeIn, which gives you your own local phone number that works with Skype. Talk about cool.
Last night was an interesting night. I won't go into the whole thing because things got very creepy at the end of our night. But I would say the highlight of the night was doing a guerilla photo shoot with Brandi and Kyle at the Erie Cemetary in Erie, which is just outside of Denver on the way to Fort Collins. The shots turned out great, unfortunately we had to keep it short because the police were on the prowl. Ironically it was a police officer who told us about the graveyard. We had been scouting locations at one point and we found a stretch of road that looked pretty abandoned and perfect for our means, so we started shooting. The officer pulled up behind us, asked us what we were doing with a camera on the side of the road at that time of night, and we straight up told him what we were trying to accomplish. So he directed us to the graveyard but warned us that "Sarge" was on the patrol, so we should keep things short. After the camera battery died on us, we headed off to find a gas station, then we headed to Hell's Gate. That's when things got creepy. Brandi and I were getting majorly bad vibes, so we left and then parted ways once we got back to Kyle's car. We now have some really cool locations that we can use for shoots in the future, though, so that will be cool.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Saving Typography
Soundtrack: “Dolly Dagger” by Jimi Hendrix
Design by Fire is one of my favorite blogs to read. First of all, it is less of a blog and more of an über-magazine dedicated not only to Design but to the thoughts of Andrei Michael Herasimchuk, who worked for Adobe Systems for many years as an interface designer. Which means he is a big reason why products like Photoshop and Illustrator are so damn fun to use. He was also project lead for Adobe Lightroom from 2002 through 2004 and he currently is a principle designer at Involution Studios. But really, this is not so much about him as it is about his fun and informative writings at Design By Fire. The fact that the site is so well designed is insignificant compared to awesome articles like this one. When I read it, my soul smiled.
The article takes the form of an open letter to John Warnock, who is a god among men in the design world. The letter is a plea from Andrei for John to “consider releasing eight to twelve core fonts into the public domain.” And I have to say, I hope John Warnock reads Andrei’s letter and takes his request seriously. Because the future of design depends on it.
Anyone who knows me knows I'm a typography nut. I love it. I love collecting new typefaces and fonts, I love studying the history, and I love it when I can find the perfect typeface for a project… the one that makes all the difference. And I get incredibly frustrated when people just slap some random font on a design without any care or thought. Right now Times New Roman, Arial and Verdana rule the design landscape, especially on the web. While Times is not a terrible font, Arial is nothing more than a poor bastardization of Helvetica and Monotype Grotesque, and Verdana doesn’t even work right (see also Tahoma, which is pretty much just a rehash of Verdana). Part of this problem is Microsoft’s attitude towards typeface licensing. It’s a long story, but back in the late 80’s there was a huge digital typeface language war which led to Apple and Microsoft agreeing upon a cross-licensing and product development deal, the fruits of which would be available to both parties. Microsoft’s solution, TrueImage, never took off, but Apple's TrueType did and TrueType has been built into the Mac operating system ever since. Microsoft was on the bandwagon a couple years later when they introduced TrueType into Windows 3.1. Apple, being the sticklers for quality they are, decided to license a selection of fonts that were very useful for professionals as well as for everyday use, like Helvetica, Times, Courier, and Garamond. Microsoft, being the cheap bastards they are, decided to grab a whole bunch of knock-off fonts, like Arial. Thankfully they also licensed Courier and Times, I'd imagine life without those typefaces would lead to a cold, dark, lifeless world. I shiver at the thought.
So this brings us to the modern day. Right now Apple only has just over 2% of the market share in the computer industry. That means that most of the computers in the world, almost 98% in fact, use Windows as their primary operating system. That means that a majority of amateur graphic design and desktop publishing projects are using fonts like Arial and Verdana. And this is a bad thing. If you have to ask why it's bad, just reread the third paragraph.
What can be done? Well, until Microsoft stops ripping off fonts, there won’t be much that can be done about Windows users having access to bad fonts. Thankfully with Vista and Office 2007 they are changing most of the default fonts that Windows users have overused and abused through the years. Maybe that means less Tahoma and Verdana. I hope so. I think what has to happen is something that Adobe and many of the world’s most prestigious font foundries are not going to like. I think they are going to have to listen to voices of reason, voices like Andrei, and make some sacrifices. I think Microsoft will have to stop being a cheap little bitch and cough up a few dollars for some decent typeface licenses. But most of all I think higher learning institutions are going to have to put more of an emphasis on teaching students about typography. It’s one thing to learn the tools of the trade. But it’s another thing to learn how to use design concepts like composition and typography effectively. And I just don't see that coming from places like the Art Institutes. I dunno, maybe Microsoft and Apple and Adobe need to start helping out in that area too, offering effective and concise tutorials on typography and typefaces to help users out with that side of things. Granted, that is not necessary for the dude who just wants to write an inter-office memo. I don't care what typeface people use for that. But when it comes to graphic design, both print and web, good typography is essential and necessary. I just hope it does not become a lost art.
Soundtrack: “Dolly Dagger” by Jimi Hendrix
Design by Fire is one of my favorite blogs to read. First of all, it is less of a blog and more of an über-magazine dedicated not only to Design but to the thoughts of Andrei Michael Herasimchuk, who worked for Adobe Systems for many years as an interface designer. Which means he is a big reason why products like Photoshop and Illustrator are so damn fun to use. He was also project lead for Adobe Lightroom from 2002 through 2004 and he currently is a principle designer at Involution Studios. But really, this is not so much about him as it is about his fun and informative writings at Design By Fire. The fact that the site is so well designed is insignificant compared to awesome articles like this one. When I read it, my soul smiled.
The article takes the form of an open letter to John Warnock, who is a god among men in the design world. The letter is a plea from Andrei for John to “consider releasing eight to twelve core fonts into the public domain.” And I have to say, I hope John Warnock reads Andrei’s letter and takes his request seriously. Because the future of design depends on it.
Anyone who knows me knows I'm a typography nut. I love it. I love collecting new typefaces and fonts, I love studying the history, and I love it when I can find the perfect typeface for a project… the one that makes all the difference. And I get incredibly frustrated when people just slap some random font on a design without any care or thought. Right now Times New Roman, Arial and Verdana rule the design landscape, especially on the web. While Times is not a terrible font, Arial is nothing more than a poor bastardization of Helvetica and Monotype Grotesque, and Verdana doesn’t even work right (see also Tahoma, which is pretty much just a rehash of Verdana). Part of this problem is Microsoft’s attitude towards typeface licensing. It’s a long story, but back in the late 80’s there was a huge digital typeface language war which led to Apple and Microsoft agreeing upon a cross-licensing and product development deal, the fruits of which would be available to both parties. Microsoft’s solution, TrueImage, never took off, but Apple's TrueType did and TrueType has been built into the Mac operating system ever since. Microsoft was on the bandwagon a couple years later when they introduced TrueType into Windows 3.1. Apple, being the sticklers for quality they are, decided to license a selection of fonts that were very useful for professionals as well as for everyday use, like Helvetica, Times, Courier, and Garamond. Microsoft, being the cheap bastards they are, decided to grab a whole bunch of knock-off fonts, like Arial. Thankfully they also licensed Courier and Times, I'd imagine life without those typefaces would lead to a cold, dark, lifeless world. I shiver at the thought.
So this brings us to the modern day. Right now Apple only has just over 2% of the market share in the computer industry. That means that most of the computers in the world, almost 98% in fact, use Windows as their primary operating system. That means that a majority of amateur graphic design and desktop publishing projects are using fonts like Arial and Verdana. And this is a bad thing. If you have to ask why it's bad, just reread the third paragraph.
What can be done? Well, until Microsoft stops ripping off fonts, there won’t be much that can be done about Windows users having access to bad fonts. Thankfully with Vista and Office 2007 they are changing most of the default fonts that Windows users have overused and abused through the years. Maybe that means less Tahoma and Verdana. I hope so. I think what has to happen is something that Adobe and many of the world’s most prestigious font foundries are not going to like. I think they are going to have to listen to voices of reason, voices like Andrei, and make some sacrifices. I think Microsoft will have to stop being a cheap little bitch and cough up a few dollars for some decent typeface licenses. But most of all I think higher learning institutions are going to have to put more of an emphasis on teaching students about typography. It’s one thing to learn the tools of the trade. But it’s another thing to learn how to use design concepts like composition and typography effectively. And I just don't see that coming from places like the Art Institutes. I dunno, maybe Microsoft and Apple and Adobe need to start helping out in that area too, offering effective and concise tutorials on typography and typefaces to help users out with that side of things. Granted, that is not necessary for the dude who just wants to write an inter-office memo. I don't care what typeface people use for that. But when it comes to graphic design, both print and web, good typography is essential and necessary. I just hope it does not become a lost art.
Friday, August 25, 2006
Cruelty
Soundtrack: “One” by U2
Apparently there is a video floating around the intarweb of a small kitten being doused in lighter fluid and burned to death. I haven’t seen it, but I did stumble upon some screen shots and they made my stomach churn like it’s never churned before. It took me a second to figure out what was going on, and I naturally took a second look to see if it was Photoshopped.
It was the real deal.
And I have to ask myself, why is cruelty such a celebrated thing right now? Why have we as a society come to the point where we are worshiping hardcore porn and animal cruelty? But most of all, I have to ask myself who is capable of these acts? My heart is sad, not just for the kitten but for the soul who committed this act. I pray that he sees how monstrous and unnecessary his abuse was, and I hope he’s brought to justice.
In other news, school is back in session. This week was my first week of classes, and it was a busy week indeed. Not only am I still trying to hash out financial aid (I hope I get it, because if not I’m screwed), but all of my classes have already kicked into high gear. I wouldn’t have it any other way, though. I’m expecting this semester to be fun, even if I probably won’t be getting much sleep. But hey, who needs sleep?
Soundtrack: “One” by U2
Apparently there is a video floating around the intarweb of a small kitten being doused in lighter fluid and burned to death. I haven’t seen it, but I did stumble upon some screen shots and they made my stomach churn like it’s never churned before. It took me a second to figure out what was going on, and I naturally took a second look to see if it was Photoshopped.
It was the real deal.
And I have to ask myself, why is cruelty such a celebrated thing right now? Why have we as a society come to the point where we are worshiping hardcore porn and animal cruelty? But most of all, I have to ask myself who is capable of these acts? My heart is sad, not just for the kitten but for the soul who committed this act. I pray that he sees how monstrous and unnecessary his abuse was, and I hope he’s brought to justice.
In other news, school is back in session. This week was my first week of classes, and it was a busy week indeed. Not only am I still trying to hash out financial aid (I hope I get it, because if not I’m screwed), but all of my classes have already kicked into high gear. I wouldn’t have it any other way, though. I’m expecting this semester to be fun, even if I probably won’t be getting much sleep. But hey, who needs sleep?
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Mission Accomplished
Soundtrack: “I Wanna Be Your Dog” by Uncle Tupelo
I'd like to geek out for a minute. One of my favorite games when I was in High School was Command and Conquer. Real time strategy style games are my favorite genre, they offer the chance to get lost in a world and challenge myself with the destruction of an enemy that is, much of the time, unseen. It's a nice challenge. So when I saw the trailer for the new Command and Conquer 3, well, I've been giddy all morning! This is definitely a game I'm going to look forward to playing, and hopefully it will return RTS games to their rightful place at the top of the video game hierarchy. Here's hoping!
Soundtrack: “I Wanna Be Your Dog” by Uncle Tupelo
I'd like to geek out for a minute. One of my favorite games when I was in High School was Command and Conquer. Real time strategy style games are my favorite genre, they offer the chance to get lost in a world and challenge myself with the destruction of an enemy that is, much of the time, unseen. It's a nice challenge. So when I saw the trailer for the new Command and Conquer 3, well, I've been giddy all morning! This is definitely a game I'm going to look forward to playing, and hopefully it will return RTS games to their rightful place at the top of the video game hierarchy. Here's hoping!
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Return Of The Lyrical Jedi
Soundtrack: “Blood Sugar Sex Magic” by Red Hot Chili Peppers
It's an oldie but a goodie.
Plunge
Here we stand
Holding hands
Ready to go over the edge
You grip my hand tight
And ease my fright
We're going to go over that edge
I can feel your strength
And I know you won't let go
Your eyes are reassuring
Telling me all I need to know
Here we plunge
Falling in a lunge
Towards our ultimate goal
Air rushes past my face
As we leave that decrepit place
Your strength is all I need to know
Soundtrack: “Blood Sugar Sex Magic” by Red Hot Chili Peppers
It's an oldie but a goodie.
Plunge
Here we stand
Holding hands
Ready to go over the edge
You grip my hand tight
And ease my fright
We're going to go over that edge
I can feel your strength
And I know you won't let go
Your eyes are reassuring
Telling me all I need to know
Here we plunge
Falling in a lunge
Towards our ultimate goal
Air rushes past my face
As we leave that decrepit place
Your strength is all I need to know
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Talking To Americans
Soundtrack: “Would” by Alice In Chains
Although it is not entirely fair that everyone thinks of all Americans as fat and stupid, a great many of us are. Especially stupid. Well, perhaps not stupid, but ignorant. For example, Canada is one of our closest friends. They are our polite, quiet neighbors to the North. And yet we, the rowdy downstairs party animals, know nothing about them. Case in point: Rick Mercer's “Talking to Americans”. Just watch the clip below to see just how many people have no idea who Brian Mulroney is.
Soundtrack: “Would” by Alice In Chains
Although it is not entirely fair that everyone thinks of all Americans as fat and stupid, a great many of us are. Especially stupid. Well, perhaps not stupid, but ignorant. For example, Canada is one of our closest friends. They are our polite, quiet neighbors to the North. And yet we, the rowdy downstairs party animals, know nothing about them. Case in point: Rick Mercer's “Talking to Americans”. Just watch the clip below to see just how many people have no idea who Brian Mulroney is.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
I Am An American
Soundtrack: "Call On My Brothers" by Ignite
I am "unpatriotic" because I believe in a transparent government that adheres to the laws of my nation, and a voting system that isn't operated behind closed doors.
I am "disrespectful" of the office of the presidency because I believe it should be occupied by someone whose policies are aimed at the betterment of my countrymen rather than the sole benefit of his own cronies.
I "don't support the troops" because I believe they shouldn't be placed in harm's way based on lies, nor be under-equipped when sent into combat.
I am "selfish" because I think the interests of my fellow citizens should come before the interests of Big Business, Big Oil and Big Pharma.
I am a "coward" because I don't blindly support military aggression advanced by people who themselves refused to serve in a time of war, or by those who profit from it financially.
I am "unethical" because I believe politicians should debate their opponents on issues, rather than concocting smear campaigns against them personally.
I am "anti-Christian" because I do not accept that people who invariably display un-Christ-like behavior should be called Christians, nor should they, or any other religious group, have influence over my government.
I am "sympathetic to my country's enemies" because I don't support torture, or the killing of innocent civilians.
I am "stubborn" because I insist on thinking for myself, instead of allowing myself to be told what to think.
I am an "intellectual snob", because I seek out the truth, instead of
accepting what I am told without questioning the motives behind it.
I am an "elitist" because I believe in being well-read, well-educated, and well-informed, and do not want my country being governed by those who are clearly none of those things.
I am a "cut-and-run pacifist" because I don't believe that inflaming my alleged enemies' hatred by killing their families and destroying their way of life makes me any safer.
I am a "bleeding-heart" because I believe that diplomacy, rather than killing children, is more likely to lead to peaceful co-existence.
I am "irresponsible" because I believe that those in charge of my government should be held to account when their incompetence and their ulterior motives cause harm to my country.
I am "naïve" because I believe that political corruption should be rooted out instead of being accepted as business-as-usual.
I am an "unyielding skeptic" because I continue to question where millions of taxpayers' dollars have gone when no one is able, nor willing, to explain it.
I am obviously "guilty" of "something" because I refuse to willingly accept being wire-tapped or spied upon.
I am "heartless" when I mourn the loss of my fellow citizens and an entire American city, instead of focusing on the inconveniencing of those who were in a position to assist and ignored their cries for help.
I am "ill-informed" because I do not accept biased media news coverage as being the last word on any topic.
I am "ill-advised" because I want to hear both sides of an issue, and not just the side I am told is the correct side.
I am "stupid" because I don't believe that every Muslim in the world spends their every waking hour thinking about ways to kill me.
I am a "communist" because I believe the wealthy should pay their fair share of taxes instead of placing the entire burden of the national debt on the back of the working middle-class.
I am a "socialist" because I believe that in a country as wealthy as mine, children should not go to bed hungry and people should not die because they cannot afford medical care.
I am "thick-headed" because I question the veracity of things said by people who have been proven to have lied to me over and over, and over again.
I am "godless" because I believe we should respect every person as a child of God, regardless of how they choose to worship Him.
I am a "bigot" because I refuse to hate people on the basis of their income, their color, their ethnicity, or their citizenship.
I am "immoral" because I judge people on the basis of who they are and not on the basis of their sexual orientation.
I am "short-sighted" because I do not foresee that after trillions of dollars spent, tens of thousands of lives lost, and escalating chaos and violence that victory in Iraq is imminent.
I am a "snob" because I do not see the president of my country acting like a clown in public as being charming or funny.
I am an "enemy of the state" because I think both of the major political parties in our nation are led by corrupt bigots who do not care about real issues but instead like to line their pockets with their contributors' money.
Soundtrack: "Call On My Brothers" by Ignite
I am "unpatriotic" because I believe in a transparent government that adheres to the laws of my nation, and a voting system that isn't operated behind closed doors.
I am "disrespectful" of the office of the presidency because I believe it should be occupied by someone whose policies are aimed at the betterment of my countrymen rather than the sole benefit of his own cronies.
I "don't support the troops" because I believe they shouldn't be placed in harm's way based on lies, nor be under-equipped when sent into combat.
I am "selfish" because I think the interests of my fellow citizens should come before the interests of Big Business, Big Oil and Big Pharma.
I am a "coward" because I don't blindly support military aggression advanced by people who themselves refused to serve in a time of war, or by those who profit from it financially.
I am "unethical" because I believe politicians should debate their opponents on issues, rather than concocting smear campaigns against them personally.
I am "anti-Christian" because I do not accept that people who invariably display un-Christ-like behavior should be called Christians, nor should they, or any other religious group, have influence over my government.
I am "sympathetic to my country's enemies" because I don't support torture, or the killing of innocent civilians.
I am "stubborn" because I insist on thinking for myself, instead of allowing myself to be told what to think.
I am an "intellectual snob", because I seek out the truth, instead of
accepting what I am told without questioning the motives behind it.
I am an "elitist" because I believe in being well-read, well-educated, and well-informed, and do not want my country being governed by those who are clearly none of those things.
I am a "cut-and-run pacifist" because I don't believe that inflaming my alleged enemies' hatred by killing their families and destroying their way of life makes me any safer.
I am a "bleeding-heart" because I believe that diplomacy, rather than killing children, is more likely to lead to peaceful co-existence.
I am "irresponsible" because I believe that those in charge of my government should be held to account when their incompetence and their ulterior motives cause harm to my country.
I am "naïve" because I believe that political corruption should be rooted out instead of being accepted as business-as-usual.
I am an "unyielding skeptic" because I continue to question where millions of taxpayers' dollars have gone when no one is able, nor willing, to explain it.
I am obviously "guilty" of "something" because I refuse to willingly accept being wire-tapped or spied upon.
I am "heartless" when I mourn the loss of my fellow citizens and an entire American city, instead of focusing on the inconveniencing of those who were in a position to assist and ignored their cries for help.
I am "ill-informed" because I do not accept biased media news coverage as being the last word on any topic.
I am "ill-advised" because I want to hear both sides of an issue, and not just the side I am told is the correct side.
I am "stupid" because I don't believe that every Muslim in the world spends their every waking hour thinking about ways to kill me.
I am a "communist" because I believe the wealthy should pay their fair share of taxes instead of placing the entire burden of the national debt on the back of the working middle-class.
I am a "socialist" because I believe that in a country as wealthy as mine, children should not go to bed hungry and people should not die because they cannot afford medical care.
I am "thick-headed" because I question the veracity of things said by people who have been proven to have lied to me over and over, and over again.
I am "godless" because I believe we should respect every person as a child of God, regardless of how they choose to worship Him.
I am a "bigot" because I refuse to hate people on the basis of their income, their color, their ethnicity, or their citizenship.
I am "immoral" because I judge people on the basis of who they are and not on the basis of their sexual orientation.
I am "short-sighted" because I do not foresee that after trillions of dollars spent, tens of thousands of lives lost, and escalating chaos and violence that victory in Iraq is imminent.
I am a "snob" because I do not see the president of my country acting like a clown in public as being charming or funny.
I am an "enemy of the state" because I think both of the major political parties in our nation are led by corrupt bigots who do not care about real issues but instead like to line their pockets with their contributors' money.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
How To Calm A Cat In Heat
Soundtrack: “My Last Serenade”
So, apparently there are people out there who have figured out how to calm a cat that is in heat. It's pretty hilarious. Read at your own risk.
Soundtrack: “My Last Serenade”
So, apparently there are people out there who have figured out how to calm a cat that is in heat. It's pretty hilarious. Read at your own risk.
Friday, August 11, 2006
We Are All Screwed
Soundtrack: "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails
Yep, we're screwed folks, and not in the good way. Yet again our world leaders are going apeshit after uncovering an alleged terror plot. Now nobody is allowed to bring their own bottled water on board a plane. Fuck health and safety, let's just make everyone's lives miserable. Hell, maybe we can eventually stop any travel once and for all and then we'll all be safe! Yay!
Seriously, what the hell is going on? What kind of a world do we live in now? Terrorists are trying to blow shit up the MacGyver way, our world leaders are freaking out every time there's a plot to kill citizens, and every day there is one more move to make it impossible for any human being to enjoy actual freedom. Let's just let George W. become supreme emperor and then we can start conquering everyone who threatens us in any way. We'll start with France.
Soundtrack: "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails
Yep, we're screwed folks, and not in the good way. Yet again our world leaders are going apeshit after uncovering an alleged terror plot. Now nobody is allowed to bring their own bottled water on board a plane. Fuck health and safety, let's just make everyone's lives miserable. Hell, maybe we can eventually stop any travel once and for all and then we'll all be safe! Yay!
Seriously, what the hell is going on? What kind of a world do we live in now? Terrorists are trying to blow shit up the MacGyver way, our world leaders are freaking out every time there's a plot to kill citizens, and every day there is one more move to make it impossible for any human being to enjoy actual freedom. Let's just let George W. become supreme emperor and then we can start conquering everyone who threatens us in any way. We'll start with France.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Fear No More
Soundtrack: “Self Revolution” by Killswitch Engage
Well folks, the great root canal caper is finally over. I couldn’t be happier, I’m not even sore. But it wasn’t just a day of fixing dental problems, it was a day of fixing something more internal.
I realized today, on my way to the dentist, that I don’t have to be afraid. That I in fact have no reason to be afraid. And so I will not be.
Here's a little background for people who might be confused about this fear thing. For the last 5 years I've been through a series of unfortunate events that have shaken me to the core. Nothing that has been completely life-altering, really, but they have nonetheless affected me. I've found out recently that I am not as resilient as I thought I was. I am good at pretending I’m OK and hiding the inner hurt. I’m good at smiling and saying “It was scary but I handled it well”. And while I did handle these things well on the surface, it was not because I handled things well internally. Quite the opposite, in fact. But I don’t like being a burden or letting people see how I really feel about things. I don't like being vulnerable because when I have been vulnerable in the past I got burned. And it's left me so afraid of failure that half the time I don't even try.
I've realized I don't have to cover up, though. I don't have to look strong or be stoic in times of trial. It’s OK for me to be vulnerable. I’m exremely transparent when it comes to my emotions, which makes all of my fighting to keep people out of my heart ironic.
So I am going to let people in. I'm going to be vulnerable and transparent and let people see what I'm dealing with. I'm done with trying to act tough or together or capable. Because I'm not capable. I'm not good at dealing with my shit. That’s why I surround myself with my friends, so I can forget about the stupid shit and just have a good time. But now there is a new reason to keep myself surrounded by my friends. So they can support me. And I think it is going to be awesome.
Not only that, but I truly believe I have found my place. It’s been known to others for a long time now, but I only realized what it was in the last couple of days. And I’m excited. So what is it, you ask? What is my place? It is truly using the God-given talents I have and giving them back to my Creator. And I couldn’t be happier.
Soundtrack: “Self Revolution” by Killswitch Engage
Well folks, the great root canal caper is finally over. I couldn’t be happier, I’m not even sore. But it wasn’t just a day of fixing dental problems, it was a day of fixing something more internal.
I realized today, on my way to the dentist, that I don’t have to be afraid. That I in fact have no reason to be afraid. And so I will not be.
Here's a little background for people who might be confused about this fear thing. For the last 5 years I've been through a series of unfortunate events that have shaken me to the core. Nothing that has been completely life-altering, really, but they have nonetheless affected me. I've found out recently that I am not as resilient as I thought I was. I am good at pretending I’m OK and hiding the inner hurt. I’m good at smiling and saying “It was scary but I handled it well”. And while I did handle these things well on the surface, it was not because I handled things well internally. Quite the opposite, in fact. But I don’t like being a burden or letting people see how I really feel about things. I don't like being vulnerable because when I have been vulnerable in the past I got burned. And it's left me so afraid of failure that half the time I don't even try.
I've realized I don't have to cover up, though. I don't have to look strong or be stoic in times of trial. It’s OK for me to be vulnerable. I’m exremely transparent when it comes to my emotions, which makes all of my fighting to keep people out of my heart ironic.
So I am going to let people in. I'm going to be vulnerable and transparent and let people see what I'm dealing with. I'm done with trying to act tough or together or capable. Because I'm not capable. I'm not good at dealing with my shit. That’s why I surround myself with my friends, so I can forget about the stupid shit and just have a good time. But now there is a new reason to keep myself surrounded by my friends. So they can support me. And I think it is going to be awesome.
Not only that, but I truly believe I have found my place. It’s been known to others for a long time now, but I only realized what it was in the last couple of days. And I’m excited. So what is it, you ask? What is my place? It is truly using the God-given talents I have and giving them back to my Creator. And I couldn’t be happier.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Celibate Good Times
Soundtrack: “Fixation On The Darkness” by Killswitch Engage.
I am pretty sure I am incapable of making good decisions.
In fact, I am about 99% certain that the only decisions I can make are bad decisions.
And I am beginning to recognize that I’m not only mad at the world, I’m mad at myself. I am mad at the world because it doesn't fit in with my idealistic view of things and I am mad at myself for being so self-destructive. But my self-destructive behavior is great fodder for my art. I am much more inspired and productive when I’m depressed and angry and generally in a foul and sociopathic mood. It just goes to show that misery is the river of the world.
Soundtrack: “Fixation On The Darkness” by Killswitch Engage.
I am pretty sure I am incapable of making good decisions.
In fact, I am about 99% certain that the only decisions I can make are bad decisions.
And I am beginning to recognize that I’m not only mad at the world, I’m mad at myself. I am mad at the world because it doesn't fit in with my idealistic view of things and I am mad at myself for being so self-destructive. But my self-destructive behavior is great fodder for my art. I am much more inspired and productive when I’m depressed and angry and generally in a foul and sociopathic mood. It just goes to show that misery is the river of the world.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
The Saga Continues
Soundtrack: “Imperial March” by John Williams
Today was my day of reckoning, the day I went to the dentist’s office to get a root canal. And, well, I got half of one. See, the deal is this: when you have an abscessed tooth, that means that the pulp of the tooth are infected. And that means a lot of pus and all sorts of other infected material just sort of stewing in there. That's part of why my mouth freaked out on me last weekend, the infection spread elsewhere. Abscesses are not small potatoes, if you let them go they can wreak havoc with the nervous system and possibly even be life-threatening. So when they cracked my tooth open today, the doctor found that it was still infected enough to prevent him from doing much. So he scooped out some of the rotten crap in the tooth, shoved some cotton down there, and he's going to finish next week to allow the infection to completely clear out. Needless to say, I'm going to be very happy when all of this is over… it's been
an experience, to say the least.
I will leave you with Darth Vader spinning a familiar tune, in a new way…
Soundtrack: “Imperial March” by John Williams
Today was my day of reckoning, the day I went to the dentist’s office to get a root canal. And, well, I got half of one. See, the deal is this: when you have an abscessed tooth, that means that the pulp of the tooth are infected. And that means a lot of pus and all sorts of other infected material just sort of stewing in there. That's part of why my mouth freaked out on me last weekend, the infection spread elsewhere. Abscesses are not small potatoes, if you let them go they can wreak havoc with the nervous system and possibly even be life-threatening. So when they cracked my tooth open today, the doctor found that it was still infected enough to prevent him from doing much. So he scooped out some of the rotten crap in the tooth, shoved some cotton down there, and he's going to finish next week to allow the infection to completely clear out. Needless to say, I'm going to be very happy when all of this is over… it's been
an experience, to say the least.
I will leave you with Darth Vader spinning a familiar tune, in a new way…
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Soundtrack: “Rooster” by Alice In Chains
So, this past weekend was my family reunion, and it was going great except for a mildly annoying tootheache that started on Friday night became progressively worse through Saturday. And the oppressive heat. But it was all good because I got to visit with some relatives I hadn't seen in about 10 years, which was awesome. And then Sunday morning rolls around and I wake up feeling like someone has maliciously, and with much gusto, nailed me in the mouth with an aluminum baseball bat. All sorts of stuff in my mouth is swollen up like a ballon and I'm sore as hell. So on Monday I went to the dentist and got some x-rays. The prognosis? An abcessed tooth the size of Texas. Not fun. So I go in for a root canal in a couple of hours. I can't say I'm excited about the root canal, but I'll be glad when it's all over. I'm hoping I won't have to get too hopped up on drugs once it's all over, but we'll see. My brother broke his collar bone not too long ago and he has some left over somewhere, so if I need it I'll just track it down.
In other news, this past weekend was my family reunion. Despite the oppresive sun that jacked the temperature up and made it nearly unbearable to sit outside, a great time was had by all and I got to catch up with some relatives I hadn't seen in years and years. I was picky about the food I ate due toothache, but I still got to partake of some delicious roasted pig on Saturday. And of course I drank some beer, because what is a Hast Family reunion without beer?
Soundtrack: “Rooster” by Alice In Chains
So, this past weekend was my family reunion, and it was going great except for a mildly annoying tootheache that started on Friday night became progressively worse through Saturday. And the oppressive heat. But it was all good because I got to visit with some relatives I hadn't seen in about 10 years, which was awesome. And then Sunday morning rolls around and I wake up feeling like someone has maliciously, and with much gusto, nailed me in the mouth with an aluminum baseball bat. All sorts of stuff in my mouth is swollen up like a ballon and I'm sore as hell. So on Monday I went to the dentist and got some x-rays. The prognosis? An abcessed tooth the size of Texas. Not fun. So I go in for a root canal in a couple of hours. I can't say I'm excited about the root canal, but I'll be glad when it's all over. I'm hoping I won't have to get too hopped up on drugs once it's all over, but we'll see. My brother broke his collar bone not too long ago and he has some left over somewhere, so if I need it I'll just track it down.
In other news, this past weekend was my family reunion. Despite the oppresive sun that jacked the temperature up and made it nearly unbearable to sit outside, a great time was had by all and I got to catch up with some relatives I hadn't seen in years and years. I was picky about the food I ate due toothache, but I still got to partake of some delicious roasted pig on Saturday. And of course I drank some beer, because what is a Hast Family reunion without beer?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
