If I Go Away...

Soundtrack: “In The Arms Of Sleep” by The Smashing Pumpkins

Will anyone notice? I'm sure someone would.

So then, a more pertinent question might be, if I go away will anyone care?

Once again, I'm sure someone would.

So, then, if I go away, would anyone understand? I'm not so sure. But I think I might need to go away for a while.

Let's just say that this week I realized that family is the only thing I have in this world right now. Note that when I say that I mean not just family by blood, but also my extended family of close friends because they are indeed family in my eyes. And yes... they are all I have or even care about in this world. I honestly don't care about anything else. Other than God, but I suppose one could lump Him in there with family as well. It used to hurt to not care, but I don't even care about that anymore. And I have to admit it is just a little scary.

As an addendum, note that I said “go away”, not “die”. Very important difference there so I thought I would clarify.

I feel bad about slacking off on the poetry front. So here's a peace offering... an oldie but goodie that turned into a song.

Compromise

Now I offer up this compromise
Now I offer up this apology
Now I tear it all apart
What would I have done differently

Everything
So there

This is not happening like it should
But isn..t that the way it goes
So much we want to say
What could I have done instead

Everything
So there

So just go ahead
Let..s see what you bleed
Blood or not there will be pain
So we..ll offer up this compromise

And now, triumphant we yell ..Take that!..
But it never seems to help
What would we have done instead
What would we do differently

Everything
So there

So just go ahead
Let..s see what you bleed
Blood or not there will be pain
So we..ll offer up this compromise

Transducer Saturation

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Cursing Robot.

Just Press Play Pt. II

Soundtrack: “Stand And Feel Your Worth” by Thrice

So, I started to reply to the Saint's comment on yesterday's blog, but it started turning into a novel and so I have for you part two that is the saga of Toph trying to find some ambition in his life. The Saint has this to say: “Toph, you piss me off because I know you could be hugely successful if you just put your mind to it. I mean, God did not go short on you when it came to talent. But why don't you ever use it, man?” And he is 100% right.

It is also something I have been hearing my whole life, and it has never sunk in. I used to shut down, in fact, as though it was some kind of enormous pressure on me to be Albert Einstein or something. But last Thursday I attended the opening of the Community College of Denver Student Art Show and I was blown away because here were all these people my age having their art judged by professionals and getting scholarships. I never used to care much about awards, they are nice but to me they were either just pretty pieces of paper or pretty pieces of paper that I can spend on whatever trivial things I felt like spending it on that week.

But the student art show was different. Because everyone was asking me “Toph, where is your stuff? You should have entered!’ and it actually meant something. And I have realized in the last week that I am completely selling myself short.

And so now I stand at a crossroad in my life. Comments like the one Saint made used to make me shut down when I was a kid because I would want nothing to do with any of that “stuff”. I didn't want to be successful, I just wanted to fit in. And then in middle school and high school I discovered music and all I wanted to do was become a rock star like Kurt Cobain. Minus the shooting myself in the head part because if I'm dead how do I enjoy my vast wealth? I have always been a dreamer. And I have always had dreams of being successful, but they are dreams of me 5 or 10 or 20 years down the road. Yoda could have been talking about me when he spoke of Obi Wan to Luke in The Empire Strikes Back. “All his life has he looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph.”

So now I look to success today. If I keep the wheel to the right, towards the future, I will eventually crash into something. If I keep it to the left, to the past, I will again crash. But if I keep it straight, turning it occasionally when it is necessary, I will be able to get to my ultimate goal. There may be bumps in the road, but if I keep my eyes on the road ahead I'll be fine.

Just Press Play

Early on in my blogging career I explained why I gave this blog it's title. It's been several months, though, so I thought I would 'splain it again.

Basically, I can accomplish, achieve, learn, or overcome anything set before me. But, by default I am set to self-destruct mode in order to make things more interesting and challenging. Yes, it as annoying as it sounds. But after much recent reflection and prayer, I have set off the impetus for my success in life by overcoming this self-destruction. As I said before, if I don't think I will be successful at a venture, I will not undertake it. I do not deal with failure well, and I deal with success even worse. I am not sure why. Perhaps I am afraid that by being successful it will mean I will have to give up who I am. Perhaps it is a deep-seeded rebellion against the good protestant work ethic that flows like milk and honey in my family. Heck, maybe it's a combination of short attention span and laziness. I don't know. But what I do know is that I have to overcome the urger to make life harder for myself if I want to get anywhere in life.

Something Happens And I'm Head Over Heels
Soundtrack: “Love Will Tear Us Apart” by Joy Division

So, I had to turn word verification on because the spambots were getting totally annoying. So, now you have to type in a letter code to comment. I know, it's totally a drag. Just deal.

Donnie Darko is amazing. I'm sitting here, watching one of the most amazing movies ever. I'd write more, but nothing comes to mind and Joy Division is playing. Good night.

Why Religion and Politics Do Not Mix Well
Soundtrack “Four Cornered Lives” by Vaux

Another election has passed and it has become apparent that people are retarded.

Maybe that's a little harsh, so I'll say instead it is apparent that people are ignorant. In Colorado there were two important ballot issues. One was an amendment to the state constitution that defined marriage strictly as a union between a man and a woman. Wait a second. When was a state amendment necessary to define marriage? What of those who have a different definition, are we saying that they are not human? It passed, and a referendum that allowed for domestic partnerships that are not defined as marriages was voted down.

Some might be asking why this is a bad idea. It is an incredibly awful idea because in the United States we have two documents called the Constitution and Bill of Rights that declares that people who are citizens of this wonderful nation have certain inalienable rights. The first amendment reads "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances." It is that first sentence that is most important. Freedom of religion, or lack thereof.

First of all, I don't agree with the homosexual lifestyle. I think it is immoral, but I also understand the concept of free will. It is an important concept for people to grasp, yet people cannot seem to be able to do so. When you restrict the rights of a certain groups, or write legislation that favors a certain majority, you are cheapening the quality of life of the group or persons who are having their right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness restricted. This includes gay people. We've abolished slavery, why can we not allow people who choose to live a certain way to live their lives?

Here's another way to look at it. Try looking at it from an entirely different perspective. Suppose you lived in a society where homosexual relationships were the norm. If the government put into place legislation that did not allow legal heterosexual relationships, aka the traditional marriage, would you not be outraged? I know I would.

It's a touchy subject, for sure. Ultimately I look at things this way: as a follower of the teachings of Jesus Christ, I am to show love to everyone I encounter. I'm not always the best at doing this, but I try. I believe that restricting people's rights is not showing love. It is pretty much the opposite, actually. So when I do things to hurt or disadvantage a fellow human being in the name of morality, a morality they obviously do not share with me, I am doing the opposite of showing the love of Christ. And so is everyone else who does this.

Jesus Christ hung out with the Scum of the earth. He saved an adulterous prostitute's life. He wasn't about the moral high road, because He knew that no man or woman can take that road until he or she has accepted grace. There are a lot of people who have not accepted grace. Let's try to show them a little love. Their lives depend on it.

This is my plea... stop the hate. It's killing me.

Help Me.
Soundtrack: “Teardrop” by Massive Attack

I don't want to care or feel any more.

I really don't.

It is too painful.

Sorry, Christopher Is Not Home Right Now
Soundtrack: “Are You With Me” by Vaux

A few years ago my therapist told me that having a lot in common with a pretty girl is not grounds for being in love. He also told me that he thought my fascination with death was unhealthy.

I thought he was a quack. He's not my therapist any more.

But I think I see where he was going with the love thing. And it has me thinking, "Well, what is grounds for love, then?"

It's a thought that runs through my head more and more each day. And then my lovely mother sent me an email the other day that said “Christopher, you are closer to 30 now than you are 20.” Thanks mom. Thanks for one more added pressure that is the boiling kettle of my life.

I don't deal with pressure well. In fact, I just shut down. It's been happening my whole life, and I think I have finally determined why.

I just want to be normal.

“But silly Christopher, nobody is normal. Everyone is a unique flower!”

Bullshit.

I was made superior to some people. It's a fact of life. I was made to do things that other people cannot do. It's not egotistical, it is the truth. There are some people who can do things I cannot do. Such as rocket scientists and politicians. But they cannot see things the way I do. And it is a little scary.

Because I don't know if I will ever find a special lady friend that lives up to my standards.

As of late I have stopped caring about a great deal. I've decided to stop worrying, and it's working. Maybe a little too well. I don't want to have to deal with pressure any more. I don't want to have to deal with people telling me “Gee Chris, you are the best designer in the class!” I can't even turn my fucking homework in on time. I have tried. And I fail every time.

Maybe I am destined to be the failure in this life, overwhelming success in the next. Van Gogh is fucking rich and he's dead. So is Picasso. And Kurt Cobain.

Trick Or Treat!!!
Soundtrack: “Into The Void” by Nine Inch Nails

So, I also posted this over at the Genesis blog, but I decided to post it here as well. It's about Halloween and how people who think it's Satanic are dumb. More or less.

Hi, I'm Toph. Today marks the start of a new blog I will be writing dedicated to culture and how it relates to the elemental life.

So what does this mean? It means I am going to look at cultural events and trends and examine how they fit into this whole Jesus thing. Yes, I just said Jesus. I don't intend on dumbing things down for anyone. You should know that this blog is going to be from my point of view and contain my opinions, so you may be offended regardless of whether or not you subscribe to any kind of Christian theology. I'm not here to be judge and jury, though, so please do not expect retarded commentaries like "God hates fags" or anything like that. It's not in my nature.

Today is All Saint's Day, also known as All Hallow or Hallowmas. Which means that yesterday was Halloween. Yes, the day that most American children get dolled up in costumes of varying types and are unleashed upon the cringing masses. Yesterday my housemates and I ran out of candy within a couple of hours, which worked out anyway because it was Tuesday night and that means the Pretty Boy School of Public Speaking. Don't fret if you do not know what that means, I'll explain that in an upcoming blog.

So where am I going with this Halloween thing? Well, I am glad you asked. Halloween is hotly contested in the Christian world. There is one camp that says it's a harmless holiday that no longer resembles the Pagan holiday it shares a date on the calendar with. Others say that since it was derived from the druidic day of Samhain, it is intrinsically evil and should not be celebrated. And then there are the people who don't even care.

Let me throw some history your way. Halloween originated as a Pagan harvest festival among the Celts of Ireland and Great Britain with Irish, Scots, Welsh and other immigrants transporting versions of the tradition to North America in the 19th century. The term Halloween, and its older spelling Hallowe'en, is shortened from All-hallow-even, as it is the evening before All Hallows' Day. "Ah, yes," you are thinking to yourself. "He mentioned that in the first sentence of this blog. But I still don't know what it is." All Hallow's Day is the day in which many cultures honor the memory of the saints who have gone before us. By saints I do not mean the canonized Catholic saints, but the saints of God, which is all believers. So while it originated from the ancient harvest festival known as Samhain, Pope Gregory IV changed that when the date of All Saint's Day was moved from the middle of May to coincide with the old superstitions and further assimilate Celtic culture into Christian culture

So what does this mean as far as deciding how to celebrate this creepy holiday? Absolutely nothing and absolutely everything. See, here's the thing... Samhain and Halloween are completely different holidays. Regardless the obvious close association between the two holidays and the lingering Pagan traditions that came from Irish culture, Halloween is a night of celebration. Kids and adults alike have the chance be the imaginary, or sometimes real, character of their choice for a single night. It is a chance for us to come to terms with our morbid curiosity and watch our fill of cheesy and sometimes not so cheesy horror films. But most of all, it is a celebration of life.

I think of Halloween as a part of All Saint's Day. So do Mexicans who celebrate Dia de los Muertos, the Day of the Dead. That is what it is. and it is a way for us to pay tribute to our ancestors who have passed. Sure, trick or treating is fun and Halloween has definitely turned into a huge commercial holiday. But people who skip Halloween because it's Pagan should stick with their convictions and skip Christmas and Easter, too. Because those two holidays are Pagan holidays too. Burn your Christmas trees, folks, and forget about the presents. And let's not decorate Easter eggs, either. Yes, Halloween is another sad example of how hypocritical fundamentalist crackpots love to make controversy out of something harmless. I pray that they find no more victims. And I also pray for them, for they know not what they do.

Well, I'm done. Let the hating start, people. Because I have a hankering to shower the love of Jesus on anyone who dares get snippy with me. And I will do it, I'm not even kidding.