Ladies And Gentlemen...
Soundtrack: "God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys

I am pretty damn pretentious about music. But I'm nowhere near as pretentious as music critics. The dregs of humanity, they are, always throwing out their completely unqualified opinions on what's good. So what if you have a Masters degree in English? You're still an asshole. I mean, most of these people don't even know how to play a freakin' musical instrument... how lame is that? However, I am pretentious enough to feel qualified to tell you who the top five greatest rock bands are. So let's get started!

1. The Rolling Stones. They said it themselves, and I'm prone to agree. These guys are still going, and I doubt they're going to stop.

2. The Beatles. They revolutionized pop music. With their trusty producer, George Martin, at hand, they made some of the best albums that have some of the most interesting music on it. Then Yoko Ono came along...

3. The Who. I've heard them described as the best live band ever. I don't doubt it. Without them we wouldn't have rock and roll and metal. We'd have, I dunno... crap.

4. Alice In Chains. Hey kids, do you like Godsmack and Puddle of Mudd? Well guess what? Without Layne Staley, Jerry Cantrell, Sean Kinney, and the Mikes (Starr and Inez), they wouldn't exist. Which would be a good thing, but that would also mean no Alice In Chains, which would be bad.

5. The Clash. I struggled with this one... do I go with the guys who started it all, the Ramones? Do I go for the original sellouts, the Sex Pistols? Or do I go with the band that was overshadowed by those two fine acts, but had twice the style? I went with style. I mean, London Calling is only the coolest album cover EVER.