Disappointed

Soundtrack: “The Bends” by Radiohead

I am more than just a little disappointed at the moment. I would be frustrated, but some awesome acupuncture earlier today cleared that up. I have been making a conscious effort to not get stressed out or frustrated or angsty and simply keep doing what it is I do. And that is design.

But the disappointing this is that this aspect of my life, the thing that I feel I am best at, is not paying off. It should be, but my current employers, who promised me in contract that I would be paid biweekly for the services I render. At the least I should be paid at the end of each project and that is not even happening.

If you recall, some time ago I wrote a blog about being very excited to work for NeverAsk. I still love working for NeverAsk in many aspects, but things are going downhill very fast. To the point where I do not know how I am going to pay rent this month. And I owe money all over town, although not to known pornographers.

I just do not know what to do anymore. I am looking for a job that actually pays right now, but finding a job can take time and I am out of time. I cannot help feeling that I am responsible in some part for letting my friends walk all over me, but I can only take so much responsibility and that is what is frustrating about the situation... a lot of it is out of my hands. I do not like feeling helpless, but when things are out of my hands that is how I feel.

I know what most people are going to say the solution is. “Just have faith”. It’s a nice idea, but faith doesn't pay the bills. Working at my vocation, my calling, is what puts money in my pocket so I can pay rent and eat and do all those other fun things like drink beer. I know what happens when people go overboard with “trusting” faith with their needs... they end up hurting themselves, and usually many people around them. I am not going to renounce my faith and deny that I believe in God, or the tenants of Christianity, but I need to be realistic. And reality is telling me I need to rob a bank.

Just kidding. I am not going to be robbing any banks any time soon. But I am going to start working my ass off even harder than I have been. Instead of spreading myself thin as I have been, I need to focus on the one thing that will help me survive, and that is my career in design. I do not care where I start, I’m even willing to work crappy coffee shop jobs for a while, but I need to get my foot in the door, I need to get my portfolio all nice and shiny, and I need to work to convince the design world of Denver that I am what they need. It will not be easy, but I am always up for a challenge!