The Great Outdoors
Soundtrack: “I Am A Man Of Constant Sorrow” by John Hartford

I have realized recently that I cannot remember the last time I went out and enjoyed the beautiful sights and sounds of nature that Colorado so lovingly offers us, her residents.

And so I've resolved to go out and frolic in the mountains as soon as is humanly possible for me. It's about time. And if anyone would like to help me out with that, I would sure appreciate it.

In other news, I had a super freaking awesome night last night, and I did so without having to consume more than 1 alcoholic beverage. That's pretty damn good, I'd say. I met up with some old high school friends, carroused with a drunken Benjamin, and in general just enjoyed being back out and about after a stressful week trying to get all sorts of stupid crap done. Important crap, yes, but stressful and therefore stupid.

Oh, I Forget...
Soundtrack: “Street Carp” by the Deftones

Bathóry

Summer fell upon me
With all of it's lush decadence
I wore it upon my sleeve
And I bathed in it's excess

Autumn fell, a shower of gold
Dignified and beautiful
I wore robes of white and silver
And I bathed in milk and roses

Winter fell upon me
The virgins' blood on my velvet gown
Languidly wearing a smirk on my face
And I bathed in crimson serum

Winter fell as I did
Cruel and cold, dark and dire
I danced upon the scales of the Dragon
And I bathed in the fires of Hell

Autumn Wonderland
Soundtrack: snowy silence and the tapping of laptop keys

Today is the first big snow of the year. It started off sleeting this morning, then the sleet turned to slushy snow, and then the slush turned into wonderful big fat flakes of snow that caught in my eyelashes and slowly melted. It's been precipitating since I woke up this morning and it's been going all day long. That means that the high country is getting plenty of snow, and that makes my soul sing with joy.

Despite the snow it is still Autumn here in Colorado. And to honor this, my favorite season, I have written a poem. Enjoy.

Autumn
I traverse these autumn shadows
Black Cat can't even see my path
My foot falls silent, eyes always seeking
The dry dead leaves part as the red sea

But here in the silence
These dark forms stalk me
My fear overwhelms
As my eyes cloud
Intangible sadness
I won't let it take me
I unfurl black wings
And I fly away.

Unseen horrors peek from dark corners
They lick their lips and gnash their teeth
My mind falls silent, I can't let them find me
My fear parts as the red sea
And I traverse my mountains of uncertainty
And let my wings bandage me
My eyes fall silent, my soul always searching
And in a moment the tide is turned.

My fear will run away before me
My eyes wil paralyze their legs
My enemies will bow before me
And offer their necks to my sword

“If Jesus Christ's Second Coming Were Tomorrow...”
Soundtrack: “One Love” by Massive Attack

"... He would be killed by Christians."

Not my words, but the words of an amazing slam poet. These words were heard at the Denver Art Museum Hamilton building opening.

It was amazing.

Killing My Darlings
Soundtrack: “An Eclipsing” by Stavesacre

It's taken me a while, but I had a pretty shocking revelation recently. This revelation is about responsibility mainly, but also entitlement. I realized that I need to focus on how the decisions I make in my life affect me, not how others' decisions play into my life. Because I have no control over the decisions that others make, but I sure as hell have a say in how my own decisions work for me.

In other words, I need to stop shooting myself in the foot.

It's true. I am exceptionally good at self-destruction, and I wasn't sure why up until very recently. It is because I like to make my life as difficult as possible. It's emotional masochism in a way. Part of it is fuel for my creativity (animosity breeds innovation) and part of it is because I want to overcome the challenges behaving in a self destructive way presents.

Yup, I'm fucked up.

Finding Happiness In Depression
Soundtrack: "In Regards To Myself" by Underoath

Some say depression is a sin. I say those people are crazy. See, I've learned to thrive on depression. I've learned to take it and club it into submission. I do my best creative work when I feel like my world is collapsing around me. And there is nothing like the feeling of being right on the edge, of being in peril of falling over the edge of the cliff. It's an emotional adrenaline rush of sorts.

So what am I depressed about? Um, everything. Because I am afraid. I am afraid of fear and afraid of failure. I am afraid I may not accomplish anything I have set out to do. But I am not worrying about it. When I have these thoughts of fear, I send them up into my Beloved's hands because I know that only He has the strength to take them on.

Phoenix
You can not be real
But you claim to be me
I'd like to know how
To get you off my back (monkey)
These Autumn leaves burn red
As dos my blackened heart
These soldiers march through my soul
And occupy my mind

But I know
Something you don't
This fire
Purifies gold
Don't hold on
To what you've got
Let ye
Be judged and destroyed

I am so real
But not in this room
I watch my body burn
So I can rise again
These Autumn leaves burn red
As dos my blackened heart
These soldiers march through my soul
And occupy my mind

But I know
I will live again
This fire
Purifies me
Don't hold on
To what you've got
Lest it
Be taken from thee

I destroyed myself tonight
So I can fly again
This cleansing fire
And this pure water
Lift me up again

I destroyed myself tonight
So I can live again
This burning desire
And this pure soul
Will fly yet again