Wednesday, September 27, 2006

A Doozie Of A Biology Lesson
Soundtrack: "Ignition" by Stretch Armstrong

My dear mother sent the following tidbit to my e-mail inbox and I cracked up for what seemed like eternity. I thought I'd share with all of you out in internet land.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.

(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my
wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 Lizards... $140
1 Cage... $50
Trip to the Vet... $30
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless

Moral of the story: Finish biology class. Lizards lay eggs.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Telling The Untold Stories
Soundtrack: "Fixation On The Darkness" by Killswitch Engage

Breath

Little girls grow up
And break their fathers' hearts

Little boys become armchair gladiators
Follow the American dream
But I stand alone
And let the rain soak in
While office flunkies run
Holding soaked newspapers over their heads

I sleep on the pavement
Of this city I call my own
I take with me nothing
But these things I hold inside
My skin is stone
But my soul, it transforms
Soon I will be light
To stand out against consuming black

These little lies we hold
These severed truths we hide
I am standing outside the fray
Where will you be when this ends?
And I still stand alone
And let this light soak in
While the weekend warriors run
To try to escape the fire

Just breathe

Just believe.

Monday, September 18, 2006

I Like To Make Life Excruciating
Soundtrack: “Roses” by Outkast

I still have not been able to remedy the problem of no power supply for my laptop, which is excruciating. Aha, I have successfully used that word twice in one blog entry. Beat that. Anyway, not having a laptop has been hell because I'm tied down to my tired old PC at home. And I tend to be less than productive on that thing, especially since I have Need For Speed Underground 2 loaded on it. Which, speaking of, I was up until 6:30 am this morning playing that thing. Man that game is addictive. “Just... one... more... race...”

I have also been busy, so that along with no computational mobility makes for very few blog entries indeed. Do not fret, though, my pretties. Once I have an AC adapter for Rosebud (the name I have given to my laptop), I will be blogging slightly more often and with more gusto. I am trying to inject some dedicated blogging time into my day, hopefully that happens.

Stay tuned for more on how I like to make my life hard. It promises to be entertaining.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Jet Ski Lessons
Soundtrack: "Recado Bossa Nova" by Hank Mobley

It's been a rough week for me. Monday didn't start out too bad. Since it was Labor Day I had the day off from classes, so I hung out with Kyle for most of the day. We did some design work and shot some photos. Afterwards we headed over to Joe's for Genesis. While I was over there I had my laptop set up on a stool with the power adapter running across the width of the room to the wall. Dawson, Joe's dog, is the most neurotic creature on earth and he likes to freak out and run around all the time. And, well, he ran straight through the power cord, yanking it forcibly out of my laptop. The end was all bent, so Joe and I tried to fix it. Alas, we only made things worse. Anyway, that was the end of my power adapter, and I've been without one the whole week. Since my PowerBook only has 3-4 hours of battery life, I had to transfer some important design files and shut it down until I can recharge the battery. So I've been using my PC for doing design projects, and that's rough. Stupid windows.

On top of that, I got sick on Tuesday and it got worse on Wednesday. Turns out to be Bronchitis. Wonderful. So I've been drinking tons of liquids, especially orange juice, and taking it easy. I really shouldn't be awake right now, but the insomnia isn't letting me sleep and so here I am. Of course, I'll live. And I keep telling myself I don't have it that bad, especially since there are starving children in Africa.

One of my favorite shows on television is Whose Line Is It Anyway? You can tell the guys have so much fun doing the show, especially when they have a guest appearance by someone like Richard Simmons. In fact, that episode is still my favorite, I couldn't breathe by halfway into it. And look, I just happen to have it for your enjoyment.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Victory Through The Cunning Use Of Flags
Soundtrack: "Wherever I May Roam" by Metallica

I stalk through the no man's land
Gingerly avoiding the spidery mines
They blindly float through this tortured atmosphere
Feeling out the helpless victims with spindly arms

Run and leap
From cloud to cloud
Hold on tight
To your banner
Once you reach
Your intention
Plant it deep

This burden hangs heavy on my heart
I gingerly avoid all responsibilities
But they blindly follow me anyway
Feeling me out with their darkened tendrils

This world is bearing down on me
This world is bearing down on me
This world makes it hard to see
But I will not let this world break me

I can see
The battlefield
Holding tight
To my banner
I will reach
My destination
And plant it deep

Monday, September 04, 2006

Rock and Mutha Snorkin’ Roll
Soundtrack: “Electioneering” by Radiohead

So, Friday night I witnessed one of the most epic shows I’ve ever seen. Planes Mistaken For Stars and Avail were at the 3 Kings Tavern as part of Denver Fest II. And it was rock and roll, baby. I had blood on my sleeve after the show. Now that's a good rock concert. And it's probably the only time I am ever going to see Avail, so I was really excited to see them. Later on this month is Vaux with the Photo Atlas, Dead To Fall with Misery Signals, Throwdown with Zao, Evergreen Terrace, and Maylene and The Sons of Disaster, and last but not least Mastodon with Converge and The Bronx. I doubt I’ll be able to see all of those shows, but for sure I'm checking out Vaux, Throwdown, and Mastodon. Yay, metal.

School is going great. Both classes are pretty cool, especially Design and Concept. I think I am going to post updates of my progress in that class. The first project that we’re working on right now is a masthead for a magazine that we will eventually be designing. Look for that this next week.