Party Evangelizing!
Soundtrack: “Seven Months” by Portishead
I had a day today. It started at 8 a.m. when Joe woke me up. I had forgotten that today was Habitat For Humanity day. So off we headed to Saudi Aurora, to some neighborhood off in the boonies. Practically Kansas, folks. I think we were near Tower and E-470, but I honestly have no idea if that is where we actually were. We got there just a little after 9 that morning, started working at about 9:30, broke for an hour lunch, and then continued until about 3:30 p.m. And I have to say it was one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. The house was mostly done, we were simply painting and installing electrical. I did my first ever electrical socket and I'm nearly a pro now... if I needed to rewire the house, I probably could! Well, not the whole thing, but at least the outlets.
Afterwards Joe and I grabbed a beer at an English Pub in the area (where we got to see Germany narrowly edge out Argentina) and talked about Genesis. Joe has some exciting ideas that he brought back from his travels in Europe. If everything goes smoothly, I think Genesis will become an amazing body of faith here in our fair city and a great way to reach out to the unchurched. The key to Genesis is being genuine... we’re not handing out tracts, we’re not threatening people with the idea that they are going to burn in Hell, we're not ramming anything down anyone’s throat at all. Instead, it’s party evangelism... showing people that we have a faith but doing so in a laid back atmosphere. Think a bunch of people at a BBQ or a potluck or at a bar and talking about God. That's Genesis in it's simplest form. Because God is about Love and forming relationships with us. Not Hellfire and Brimstone.
As we were talking we both threw out the idea that forming a microbrewery would be a lot of fun. And Joe threw out the idea of putting a little story on the bottles. Each brew would have a different biblical story behind it, such as a German Dunkelbier akin to what Martin Luther would have crafted (yup, he made his own beer) and related to the Reformation. In other words... Devotional beer! Frankly, I think it's genius!
Come to think of it, some of our best brainstorming and idea sharing has been over a nice cold pint. Because as we all know, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!
Friday, June 30, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Megathrusters Go!
Soundtrack: Voltron Theme Song
This morning I hit up Ain't It Cool News as I do every day. And what did I see before my eyes? News that Voltron is coming out on DVD! Voltron is by far my favorite cartoon from the 80s, surpassing even He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. So I'm as giddy as a schoolboy right now. I haven't seen the show in ages!
Next week is the Short family reunion and for the first time ever I'm not going to be able to attend. It's a bummer, but these things happen. I will, however, be attending the big Hast family shindig in Platteville at the end of July. We drink a lot of beer and play a lot of horseshoes and volleyball. It's good times.
Soundtrack: Voltron Theme Song
This morning I hit up Ain't It Cool News as I do every day. And what did I see before my eyes? News that Voltron is coming out on DVD! Voltron is by far my favorite cartoon from the 80s, surpassing even He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. So I'm as giddy as a schoolboy right now. I haven't seen the show in ages!
Next week is the Short family reunion and for the first time ever I'm not going to be able to attend. It's a bummer, but these things happen. I will, however, be attending the big Hast family shindig in Platteville at the end of July. We drink a lot of beer and play a lot of horseshoes and volleyball. It's good times.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Fugly Is In
Soundtrack: “Rotten Apple” by Alice In Chains.
While I'm on a design roll, I'd like to say a few words about how overused this whole usability thing is. Web 2.0 is apparently all about a move away from the awkward and graphics-heavy websites of yore. And that's fine with me. But some people are going a little overboard with their claims that good design means all usability and no pretty. In fact, people are claiming that ugly is the best way to go.
And this infuriates me. You don't even know.
Last time I checked, design was defined the following way:
"Graphic Design is a form of visual communication. It is a process in which visual information is given form and structure. This is often done through the arrangement of typography and images and take any form from photography to 3D design. Graphic design can incorporate the use of illustration, iconography, and branding, but is not limited to these devices." That's from Wikipedia.
Meaning that graphic design is about delivering information, but that information isn't restricted to just text or graphics. Good design is something that looks pleasing to the eye while efficiently delivering the content.
The problem is that money drives the Fugly trend, as I like to call it. Google is incredibly ugly, because it was designed by engineers, not designers. Amazon.com and about every other online shopping marketplace is uglier than a monk fish. And then there's MySpace... don't even get me started. These sites are all about marketing and revenue, and that's fine. But there has to be a line drawn somewhere. Consider Cinderblock.com, an online retailer that specializes in music merchandise. It's easily navigable, has a good layout, and a pleasing color scheme. Then you look at Buy.com, and there's so much information to wade through that it makes it incredibly hard to get around the page. Your eye doesn't know where to go, and that's confusing. Confusing is bad, people.
I for one am prone to agree with Andrei Michael Herasimchuk when he says “To think that bad design is actually good design and that good design is not that important in every day life is the epitome of the worst kind of cynical thinking in the web and high-technology industry.” So I offer an ultimatum... why do we have to sacrifice good design for usability? Please, think of us, the people who don't want to get a headache from going to a web site. I'll make my sites usable if you try to make your sites look better. I'm begging you!
Soundtrack: “Rotten Apple” by Alice In Chains.
While I'm on a design roll, I'd like to say a few words about how overused this whole usability thing is. Web 2.0 is apparently all about a move away from the awkward and graphics-heavy websites of yore. And that's fine with me. But some people are going a little overboard with their claims that good design means all usability and no pretty. In fact, people are claiming that ugly is the best way to go.
And this infuriates me. You don't even know.
Last time I checked, design was defined the following way:
"Graphic Design is a form of visual communication. It is a process in which visual information is given form and structure. This is often done through the arrangement of typography and images and take any form from photography to 3D design. Graphic design can incorporate the use of illustration, iconography, and branding, but is not limited to these devices." That's from Wikipedia.
Meaning that graphic design is about delivering information, but that information isn't restricted to just text or graphics. Good design is something that looks pleasing to the eye while efficiently delivering the content.
The problem is that money drives the Fugly trend, as I like to call it. Google is incredibly ugly, because it was designed by engineers, not designers. Amazon.com and about every other online shopping marketplace is uglier than a monk fish. And then there's MySpace... don't even get me started. These sites are all about marketing and revenue, and that's fine. But there has to be a line drawn somewhere. Consider Cinderblock.com, an online retailer that specializes in music merchandise. It's easily navigable, has a good layout, and a pleasing color scheme. Then you look at Buy.com, and there's so much information to wade through that it makes it incredibly hard to get around the page. Your eye doesn't know where to go, and that's confusing. Confusing is bad, people.
I for one am prone to agree with Andrei Michael Herasimchuk when he says “To think that bad design is actually good design and that good design is not that important in every day life is the epitome of the worst kind of cynical thinking in the web and high-technology industry.” So I offer an ultimatum... why do we have to sacrifice good design for usability? Please, think of us, the people who don't want to get a headache from going to a web site. I'll make my sites usable if you try to make your sites look better. I'm begging you!
Gentlemen, Start Your HTML...
Soundtrack: “Metal” by Nine Inch Nails, “This Fire Burns” by Killswitch Engage, “Wither/Ascend” by Stavesacre
Ladies and Germs, it's time for another installment of “Your Design Sucks!” This week we're examining the web site of web usability guru Jakob Nielsen. Mister Nielsen feels like he's the foremost authority in the field of usability on the web. I think he's just an asshat, but that's me. According to him, the ideal usability system is composed of:
Usability considerations are all fine and dandy, but design is not just about usability. In order for there to be learnability and efficiency of use, a good web site, or any design in general must have a well-laid-out grid system to help direct the eye and make it easy to navigate the design. Let's start with his grid. As in the one that is nonexistent. Two colums of tables... apparently Jakob doesn't know that tables are practically obsolete now that we have the wonder of CSS. Thankfully he's not using them the wrong way or nesting or any of that nonsense.Let's talk about color, shall we? Jakob Nielsen is apparently of the school that proclaims that color scheme doesn't mean jack squat. Boy is he ever wrong. The colors on the site aren't garish, but they aren't pleasing. He doesn't adhere to any sort of color theory. The least he could do is give us some subtle complimentary color interplay. Take an art class, Jakob.
Finally, I'd like to once again point out how horrible of a typeface Verdana is. It's a typeface that is sort of in the closet, but everyone can tell how sucky it is. It's a walking identity crisis, too... it's not quite sure if it's a block serif or a sans serif. Poor, poor Verdana. Someone should shoot it and just put it out of it's misery. Although I hate to condone the use of Arial, Jakob's minimalist attempt would be much better if he used a smaller point size and a true sans serif typeface such as Helvetica or Arial. If you want to go minimal, make sure your typeface matches. Especially in the size department... we don't need to see the site from across the room, dude. Make it smaller, and try to do something fun with the title. Please. For the children.
I'm going to try to do this column more often, like once every two weeks or something along those lines. If anyone has a garish or poorly designed site they'd like to pass along for me to rip to shreds and make fun of, please feel free. I think the next one I'm going to do is MySpace. Oh, I'm getting giddy just thinking about it.
Soundtrack: “Metal” by Nine Inch Nails, “This Fire Burns” by Killswitch Engage, “Wither/Ascend” by Stavesacre
Ladies and Germs, it's time for another installment of “Your Design Sucks!” This week we're examining the web site of web usability guru Jakob Nielsen. Mister Nielsen feels like he's the foremost authority in the field of usability on the web. I think he's just an asshat, but that's me. According to him, the ideal usability system is composed of:
- Learnability (e.g. intuitive navigation)
- Efficiency of use
- Memorability
- Few and noncatastrophic errors
- Subjective satisfaction
Usability considerations are all fine and dandy, but design is not just about usability. In order for there to be learnability and efficiency of use, a good web site, or any design in general must have a well-laid-out grid system to help direct the eye and make it easy to navigate the design. Let's start with his grid. As in the one that is nonexistent. Two colums of tables... apparently Jakob doesn't know that tables are practically obsolete now that we have the wonder of CSS. Thankfully he's not using them the wrong way or nesting or any of that nonsense.Let's talk about color, shall we? Jakob Nielsen is apparently of the school that proclaims that color scheme doesn't mean jack squat. Boy is he ever wrong. The colors on the site aren't garish, but they aren't pleasing. He doesn't adhere to any sort of color theory. The least he could do is give us some subtle complimentary color interplay. Take an art class, Jakob.
Finally, I'd like to once again point out how horrible of a typeface Verdana is. It's a typeface that is sort of in the closet, but everyone can tell how sucky it is. It's a walking identity crisis, too... it's not quite sure if it's a block serif or a sans serif. Poor, poor Verdana. Someone should shoot it and just put it out of it's misery. Although I hate to condone the use of Arial, Jakob's minimalist attempt would be much better if he used a smaller point size and a true sans serif typeface such as Helvetica or Arial. If you want to go minimal, make sure your typeface matches. Especially in the size department... we don't need to see the site from across the room, dude. Make it smaller, and try to do something fun with the title. Please. For the children.
I'm going to try to do this column more often, like once every two weeks or something along those lines. If anyone has a garish or poorly designed site they'd like to pass along for me to rip to shreds and make fun of, please feel free. I think the next one I'm going to do is MySpace. Oh, I'm getting giddy just thinking about it.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Those Wedges Are Cute
Soundtrack: “Kill My Darlings” by Stavesacre
I'm back in the game, people. Yesterday I worked a stagehand call at the Avon Breast Cancer Walk, and it felt great. Even though I'm pretty out of shape right now, I kicked ass and we got everything up in an hour and a half and back down in under an hour. I think I'm going to enjoy the rest of summer, especially if I can get some good calls under my belt. I felt great this morning, too. I didn't oversleep, I felt energetic, and I was happy. Yay.
I've applied to the Apple Store in the Cherry Creek Mall and hopefully I can get an interview. Even though I hate retail I think I might like it if I got a job there. I'd be busy all the time, but if I was able to get a job doing the Genius Bar I would love it. So we'll see how that goes.
I've also been re-evaluating goals and what I want to do once I get my Associate's squared away. I'm not sure I want to stay in Denver at this point. Colorado is always going to be home to me, but there's a lot of appeal in going elsewhere and seeing what the rest of this big world is like. I've been looking at art schools in California, the Seattle area, and on the East Coast as well as schools in Italy, Germany, Australia and England. There are many options and I am excited. No, not excited, giddy. Giddy as a schoolboy. Even though I've already been to Germany, I fell in love with it so much that I would totally go back and live there for a while. The only problem is their unemployment rate, which is around 10% at the moment. England, however, is much better off, as is Australia. Of course, quality of education is the number one thing for me, so I'm aiming high. We'll see how it goes.
Speaking of Australia, Nicole Kidman married country superstar Keith Urban today. It's good she got rid of that creepyTom Cruise and went with someone from her neck of the woods. Good ol' Keith isn't going to make her do some of the crazy stuff that Tom's made Katie do. Hopefully she wises up soon and dumps him. Katie is meant for me, me I tell you!
Soundtrack: “Kill My Darlings” by Stavesacre
I'm back in the game, people. Yesterday I worked a stagehand call at the Avon Breast Cancer Walk, and it felt great. Even though I'm pretty out of shape right now, I kicked ass and we got everything up in an hour and a half and back down in under an hour. I think I'm going to enjoy the rest of summer, especially if I can get some good calls under my belt. I felt great this morning, too. I didn't oversleep, I felt energetic, and I was happy. Yay.
I've applied to the Apple Store in the Cherry Creek Mall and hopefully I can get an interview. Even though I hate retail I think I might like it if I got a job there. I'd be busy all the time, but if I was able to get a job doing the Genius Bar I would love it. So we'll see how that goes.
I've also been re-evaluating goals and what I want to do once I get my Associate's squared away. I'm not sure I want to stay in Denver at this point. Colorado is always going to be home to me, but there's a lot of appeal in going elsewhere and seeing what the rest of this big world is like. I've been looking at art schools in California, the Seattle area, and on the East Coast as well as schools in Italy, Germany, Australia and England. There are many options and I am excited. No, not excited, giddy. Giddy as a schoolboy. Even though I've already been to Germany, I fell in love with it so much that I would totally go back and live there for a while. The only problem is their unemployment rate, which is around 10% at the moment. England, however, is much better off, as is Australia. Of course, quality of education is the number one thing for me, so I'm aiming high. We'll see how it goes.
Speaking of Australia, Nicole Kidman married country superstar Keith Urban today. It's good she got rid of that creepyTom Cruise and went with someone from her neck of the woods. Good ol' Keith isn't going to make her do some of the crazy stuff that Tom's made Katie do. Hopefully she wises up soon and dumps him. Katie is meant for me, me I tell you!
Friday, June 23, 2006
Pop Culture Is Losing Itself
Soundtrack: “Distance And Meaning” by Converge
Aaron Spelling has gone to the big television production booth in sky. He died earlier this evening from complications resulting from a stroke he had earlier this week. I can't say that I'm too tremedously torn up about it (although Tori Spelling can't leave this mortal realm soon enough in my opinion), it's sad that the man who brought us “Fantasy Island” and "Starsky And Hutch" is no longer with us.
If you're asking who Aaron Spelling is, you've been living under a rock. Mr. Spelling was one of the most prolific and successful television producers ever. Without him we would have no “Beverly Hills 90120”, no “Charlies Angels”, no “Dynasty”. Of course, no “Beverly Hills 90120” is probably a good thing...
I think the real reason this is sad news is because it is another signal that television is going down the crapper. There's no reason to have as many channels as there are, and there's no reason why I should be bored when I have about 50 or 60 of those said channels. There should be something on that I would enjoy, but 75% of the time there isn't. Thankfully I usually watch the tele (as they say in Mother England) in the evening, when there is actually content on that doesn't bore me out of my skull. I wish I got the BBC, because all I'd watch is AbFab and The Office reruns. And Doctor Who. And Red Dwarf. Hell, I'd watch anything on any BBC station because it's bound to be better than what we have here. Except Teletubbies... they freak me the hell out. And I'd want my news from Deutsche Welle. The technology to make your own television channel has to exist... someone's holding out on us, dammit! Because if I could assemble my own mega-channel with all of my favorite shows, I'd be in heaven. Seriously. And don't tell me it's called TiVo, 'cause TiVo just isn't the same.
Gah, this is why I usually buy stuff on DVD.
Soundtrack: “Distance And Meaning” by Converge
Aaron Spelling has gone to the big television production booth in sky. He died earlier this evening from complications resulting from a stroke he had earlier this week. I can't say that I'm too tremedously torn up about it (although Tori Spelling can't leave this mortal realm soon enough in my opinion), it's sad that the man who brought us “Fantasy Island” and "Starsky And Hutch" is no longer with us.
If you're asking who Aaron Spelling is, you've been living under a rock. Mr. Spelling was one of the most prolific and successful television producers ever. Without him we would have no “Beverly Hills 90120”, no “Charlies Angels”, no “Dynasty”. Of course, no “Beverly Hills 90120” is probably a good thing...
I think the real reason this is sad news is because it is another signal that television is going down the crapper. There's no reason to have as many channels as there are, and there's no reason why I should be bored when I have about 50 or 60 of those said channels. There should be something on that I would enjoy, but 75% of the time there isn't. Thankfully I usually watch the tele (as they say in Mother England) in the evening, when there is actually content on that doesn't bore me out of my skull. I wish I got the BBC, because all I'd watch is AbFab and The Office reruns. And Doctor Who. And Red Dwarf. Hell, I'd watch anything on any BBC station because it's bound to be better than what we have here. Except Teletubbies... they freak me the hell out. And I'd want my news from Deutsche Welle. The technology to make your own television channel has to exist... someone's holding out on us, dammit! Because if I could assemble my own mega-channel with all of my favorite shows, I'd be in heaven. Seriously. And don't tell me it's called TiVo, 'cause TiVo just isn't the same.
Gah, this is why I usually buy stuff on DVD.
Oh How I've Missed You So
Soundtrack: "A Bid Farewell" by Killswitch Engage
Two things.
1. The Special Edition version of Killswitch Engage's "Alive Or Just Breathing" is awesome. Seriously.
2. Lik's has a flavor of ice cream made with Guiness. I have not been the same since indulging in said ice cream flavor.
I've been doing some inventory of my personal life and trying to squash some things I'm less than happy with. One of these things is the amount of time I spend on the internet, and so far I'm doing OK. We'll see how it goes. I've also been getting rid of a lot of stuff in my iTunes library. Stuff I haven't listened to since High School. Which is fitting because I'm definitely in no way the same person I was in High School.
I found out earlier today that the pastor of the church I used to attend with my parents here in Denver has been forced to resign for reasons I can't talk about. It was a complete shock. Please send prayers and/or warm fuzzy thoughts to the people of that congregation, it's going to be a tough time for them.
Soundtrack: "A Bid Farewell" by Killswitch Engage
Two things.
1. The Special Edition version of Killswitch Engage's "Alive Or Just Breathing" is awesome. Seriously.
2. Lik's has a flavor of ice cream made with Guiness. I have not been the same since indulging in said ice cream flavor.
I've been doing some inventory of my personal life and trying to squash some things I'm less than happy with. One of these things is the amount of time I spend on the internet, and so far I'm doing OK. We'll see how it goes. I've also been getting rid of a lot of stuff in my iTunes library. Stuff I haven't listened to since High School. Which is fitting because I'm definitely in no way the same person I was in High School.
I found out earlier today that the pastor of the church I used to attend with my parents here in Denver has been forced to resign for reasons I can't talk about. It was a complete shock. Please send prayers and/or warm fuzzy thoughts to the people of that congregation, it's going to be a tough time for them.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Insert Devil Horns Here...
Soundtrack: "Soilborn" by Killswitch Engage
I think I'm in love. I mean, come on... hedonistic robots, indie rock credibility, and ambiguous semi-platonic statements... talk about amazing! But the most amazing thing is that a webcomic has never made me cry, until now. Yeah yeah, I'm a big softie, it's cute, it's precious. In all seriousness, though, it has a pretty amazing storyline, even if the character development took forever. It's one of those stories that you get immersed in to the point that when the big narrative hook goes down, you know who stole the cookie, who cried over the cookie, and who hunted the cookie thief down and made them pay. It's truly brilliant storytelling.
Last night Brandi was jonesing to see a show, as I was, so we took in Maris The Great's Battle To The Bloody Death featuring Elucidarius, Fight Like Hell, To Be Eaten, and By The Hand Of Cain at the Marquis Theatre. It was so metal. I had been acquiring rare and unreleased Killswitch Engage tracks all day, too, thanks to the iTunes Music store. I still have 20 free downloads... what ever shall I buy?!
Soundtrack: "Soilborn" by Killswitch Engage
I think I'm in love. I mean, come on... hedonistic robots, indie rock credibility, and ambiguous semi-platonic statements... talk about amazing! But the most amazing thing is that a webcomic has never made me cry, until now. Yeah yeah, I'm a big softie, it's cute, it's precious. In all seriousness, though, it has a pretty amazing storyline, even if the character development took forever. It's one of those stories that you get immersed in to the point that when the big narrative hook goes down, you know who stole the cookie, who cried over the cookie, and who hunted the cookie thief down and made them pay. It's truly brilliant storytelling.
Last night Brandi was jonesing to see a show, as I was, so we took in Maris The Great's Battle To The Bloody Death featuring Elucidarius, Fight Like Hell, To Be Eaten, and By The Hand Of Cain at the Marquis Theatre. It was so metal. I had been acquiring rare and unreleased Killswitch Engage tracks all day, too, thanks to the iTunes Music store. I still have 20 free downloads... what ever shall I buy?!
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Rosebud...
Soundtrack: "Over Now" by Alice In Chains
A few days ago the power adapter for my lovely PowerBook G4 started getting a little tweaky, which was somewhat of a nuisance but not overly worrisome. And then today, bang, it just decided to quit. So I ventured forth to the Apple Store, where I learned, among other things, that wrapping your cord too tight is bad. Now I know.
Elsewhere in the world, World Cup fever has gripped Soccer fans from Trinidad and Tobago to Iran. Earlier today England trounced Trinidad 2-0 and Sweden edged out Paraguay 1-0. And in case you were wondering, our very own U.S. National team were ripped up by the Czech Republic. It was a little painful. Our boys are still confident, though. That's all we can do, is keep our heads up and play as hard as we can. We play Italy on Saturday, and supposedly they aren't too bad this year. I'm sure we won't make it all the way to the finals, but I have high hopes for the German national team this year. We'll just have to see, won't we?
Soundtrack: "Over Now" by Alice In Chains
A few days ago the power adapter for my lovely PowerBook G4 started getting a little tweaky, which was somewhat of a nuisance but not overly worrisome. And then today, bang, it just decided to quit. So I ventured forth to the Apple Store, where I learned, among other things, that wrapping your cord too tight is bad. Now I know.
Elsewhere in the world, World Cup fever has gripped Soccer fans from Trinidad and Tobago to Iran. Earlier today England trounced Trinidad 2-0 and Sweden edged out Paraguay 1-0. And in case you were wondering, our very own U.S. National team were ripped up by the Czech Republic. It was a little painful. Our boys are still confident, though. That's all we can do, is keep our heads up and play as hard as we can. We play Italy on Saturday, and supposedly they aren't too bad this year. I'm sure we won't make it all the way to the finals, but I have high hopes for the German national team this year. We'll just have to see, won't we?
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
The Trouble With Being Me
Soundtrack: "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses" by U2
When I was a kid I had a hard time being myself around other people, people who were not my family or close friends. It was a result of not being understood, or at least feeling as though I was not understood. I still have a hard time understanding myself, and people still have a hard time understanding me, but after High School I have found it very easy to be myself. However, I still have a hard time with how other people perceive me... it's some of that left over self-consciousness from the days of my youth. Because I know I am in no way ordinary, I sometimes find myself struggling with the thought "How do I relate?"
It's a tough question.
What is even more tough, however, is how to deal with people who don't seem capable of understanding me. Frankly, I'm sick of explaining myself and trying to be nice. But the most frustrating thing of all are my attempts to understand how people might perceive me. Little surveys and quizzes that I already know the answer to, but I still think they might give people insight into my life. And then I realize the next day that they never really do. Thankfully there is always the option to not deal with that kind of crap, and so I have decided I'm not going to. I guess people are going to have to just figure me out for themselves... which is the way I'd prefer it to be!
It should be mentioned that earlier today I changed my "status" on MySpace to "In A Relationship". If you want to be technical, I am not in a dating relationship. But I'm in plenty of great relationships with friends. And I thought it would be incredibly clever to see if anyone mentions anything... I'm sure people will be scratching their heads, we'll see how long it takes for someone to ask me who I'm in a relationship. I have all sorts of witty responses I have already thought up in response. Heh heh.
Soundtrack: "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses" by U2
When I was a kid I had a hard time being myself around other people, people who were not my family or close friends. It was a result of not being understood, or at least feeling as though I was not understood. I still have a hard time understanding myself, and people still have a hard time understanding me, but after High School I have found it very easy to be myself. However, I still have a hard time with how other people perceive me... it's some of that left over self-consciousness from the days of my youth. Because I know I am in no way ordinary, I sometimes find myself struggling with the thought "How do I relate?"
It's a tough question.
What is even more tough, however, is how to deal with people who don't seem capable of understanding me. Frankly, I'm sick of explaining myself and trying to be nice. But the most frustrating thing of all are my attempts to understand how people might perceive me. Little surveys and quizzes that I already know the answer to, but I still think they might give people insight into my life. And then I realize the next day that they never really do. Thankfully there is always the option to not deal with that kind of crap, and so I have decided I'm not going to. I guess people are going to have to just figure me out for themselves... which is the way I'd prefer it to be!
It should be mentioned that earlier today I changed my "status" on MySpace to "In A Relationship". If you want to be technical, I am not in a dating relationship. But I'm in plenty of great relationships with friends. And I thought it would be incredibly clever to see if anyone mentions anything... I'm sure people will be scratching their heads, we'll see how long it takes for someone to ask me who I'm in a relationship. I have all sorts of witty responses I have already thought up in response. Heh heh.
Responsibility... What's That?
Soundtrack: "Brush Away" by Alice In Chains
First of all, I'd like to announce that I'm totally done with dating. Seriously. It's not worth the stress.
That's not to say that I won't ever go on a date ever again, I'm just done with the stupid dating game bullshit. There are better ways to fall in love.
OK kids, let's talk about responsibilty. Being a responsible person is not easy, and taking responsibilty for your actions is just as difficult. Some people might tell you it's easy, and they might make it look easy, but trust me on this one... it's not. If it was easy, we wouldn't have so many people tied up our civil courts, trying to squeeze money out of whoever it is they blame for whatever stupid thing they did. I've been thinking about responsibility quite a bit lately. I think much of it has to do with my realization that for a long time I was unwilling to take responsibility for myself. It's easier to get angry and try to put the blame on "circumstances beyond my control". But it's sloppy and it's lazy and I know I can do better than that. So I am doing something better... but it can be painful. The act of killing my darlings, so to speak, is like cauterizing a wound or, even worse, amputating something that isn't functioning anymore. That kind of pain is hard to deal with. I'm dealing, though.
Soundtrack: "Brush Away" by Alice In Chains
First of all, I'd like to announce that I'm totally done with dating. Seriously. It's not worth the stress.
That's not to say that I won't ever go on a date ever again, I'm just done with the stupid dating game bullshit. There are better ways to fall in love.
OK kids, let's talk about responsibilty. Being a responsible person is not easy, and taking responsibilty for your actions is just as difficult. Some people might tell you it's easy, and they might make it look easy, but trust me on this one... it's not. If it was easy, we wouldn't have so many people tied up our civil courts, trying to squeeze money out of whoever it is they blame for whatever stupid thing they did. I've been thinking about responsibility quite a bit lately. I think much of it has to do with my realization that for a long time I was unwilling to take responsibility for myself. It's easier to get angry and try to put the blame on "circumstances beyond my control". But it's sloppy and it's lazy and I know I can do better than that. So I am doing something better... but it can be painful. The act of killing my darlings, so to speak, is like cauterizing a wound or, even worse, amputating something that isn't functioning anymore. That kind of pain is hard to deal with. I'm dealing, though.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Ochsescheiße
Soundtrack: "Pigs In Zen" by Jane's Addiction
So, I've taken all sorts of surveys that ask the question "Where Are You Politically"? And They're all a bunch of BS because they have no clue where I am politically. And let's face it... I don't need a survey to tell me what I believe. I know where I am and I'm happy.
See, some tell me I'm a little more liberal and some tell me I'm a little more conservative. Some say I should be Democrat and some say I should be Republican. But I will refuse a political label until the day I die. I know I'm fairly liberal on social issues like taxes and wellfare and healthcare and yet pretty conservative on moral issues like gay marriage and abortion and whatnot. I know I don't think either of the major political parties are doing their job at all. I know that they are pretty much the same thing, just for different people. And I know I'm tired of the same shit every 4 years... vote for Candidate X and he'll make sure peace and justice are restored to the world. Vote for Candidate Y and he'll make sure you're grandchildren will have Social Security. Blah blah blah.
I'm fine with being a Moderate, or as they like to say during election time, a "swing voter". And I'm fine with voting for candidates who I feel deserve my vote, which usually does not include Republicans or Democrats. And I'm fine with being a silent majority, because I'm pretty sure the 70% of Americans who don't vote either don't care or don't want to vote for those bastards either.
Soundtrack: "Pigs In Zen" by Jane's Addiction
So, I've taken all sorts of surveys that ask the question "Where Are You Politically"? And They're all a bunch of BS because they have no clue where I am politically. And let's face it... I don't need a survey to tell me what I believe. I know where I am and I'm happy.
See, some tell me I'm a little more liberal and some tell me I'm a little more conservative. Some say I should be Democrat and some say I should be Republican. But I will refuse a political label until the day I die. I know I'm fairly liberal on social issues like taxes and wellfare and healthcare and yet pretty conservative on moral issues like gay marriage and abortion and whatnot. I know I don't think either of the major political parties are doing their job at all. I know that they are pretty much the same thing, just for different people. And I know I'm tired of the same shit every 4 years... vote for Candidate X and he'll make sure peace and justice are restored to the world. Vote for Candidate Y and he'll make sure you're grandchildren will have Social Security. Blah blah blah.
I'm fine with being a Moderate, or as they like to say during election time, a "swing voter". And I'm fine with voting for candidates who I feel deserve my vote, which usually does not include Republicans or Democrats. And I'm fine with being a silent majority, because I'm pretty sure the 70% of Americans who don't vote either don't care or don't want to vote for those bastards either.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Saturday, June 10, 2006
My Own Little Personal Crisis
Soundtrack: "Midlife Crisis" by Faith No More
I'm 25 years old and I'm having a midlife crisis.
You may be asking yourself, "how is he having a midlife crisis?" Well, it's like this: I'm 25 and I feel like I've accomplished nothing. Nothing at all. When I look at my parents' lives and what my grandparents have done, I feel like a little bug smear on the winshield that is life. Diddly squat. Not only that, but I've been confused for about the past 5 years. Confusion on that scale is scary, and I often wonder if I'll ever be able to function in "real life". I haven't had a steady job in a long time. I only recently figured out what I want to study in school, and I've been in school for 6 years. And it doesn't help that my friends are dropping like flies to that sneaky predator known as marriage.
I am not conventional at all. I've tried hard to beat myself into fitting in, but I've accepted that it will never happen. It was like trying to smash a square peg into a round hole, and I'm done with that. So what I have to figure out is, what next? How do I support myself if I can't do the same typical things that everyone does? And more importantly, why? Why am I so damn crazy and why can't I ever get my brain to shut up? I'd really like to know these things. It would help if I could understand myself for once. Just a thought.
Soundtrack: "Midlife Crisis" by Faith No More
I'm 25 years old and I'm having a midlife crisis.
You may be asking yourself, "how is he having a midlife crisis?" Well, it's like this: I'm 25 and I feel like I've accomplished nothing. Nothing at all. When I look at my parents' lives and what my grandparents have done, I feel like a little bug smear on the winshield that is life. Diddly squat. Not only that, but I've been confused for about the past 5 years. Confusion on that scale is scary, and I often wonder if I'll ever be able to function in "real life". I haven't had a steady job in a long time. I only recently figured out what I want to study in school, and I've been in school for 6 years. And it doesn't help that my friends are dropping like flies to that sneaky predator known as marriage.
I am not conventional at all. I've tried hard to beat myself into fitting in, but I've accepted that it will never happen. It was like trying to smash a square peg into a round hole, and I'm done with that. So what I have to figure out is, what next? How do I support myself if I can't do the same typical things that everyone does? And more importantly, why? Why am I so damn crazy and why can't I ever get my brain to shut up? I'd really like to know these things. It would help if I could understand myself for once. Just a thought.
Friday, June 09, 2006
I Love You People, Really, I Do...
Soundtrack: "Only You" by Portishead
Let's be honest with each other here... I haven't always been faithful when it comes to delivering the poems. I know, I know... but it's hard sometimes. I don't always have inspiration, and sometimes I think what I've written is crap. But good people, I am not giving up. And I have a nice juicy poem for you today... so enjoy.
I was very excited about seeing Vaux, who played a show at the Marquis Theatre last night. But somewhere along the way yesterday that excitement imploded. I think most of it had to do with that fact that I didn't want to go to a show by myself. I'm not a social butterfly, but I do enjoy going out with good friends and having good times. I'm sure I would have enjoyed myself, too, and I am kicking myself for missing a great show. I think another part of it was that I was going to hang out with her last night... I hate the fact that I always allow my emotions to render me a totally unfunctioning idiot. I'm still working on that.
I recently decided that I wanted to get my old band going again. At the moment I'm playing guitar in Fair•Well, and it's fun, but it's not 100% exactly what I want to do. Yesterday I met with a candidate for lead singer, we exchanged some ideas and whatnot and it seems like this crazy idea of mine might become a reality. Which is awesome in so many ways. This guy has plenty of experience, he's got a great voice, and he is really into the project, so things are looking up. Now if I could only find a graphic design industry-related job or internship. Blah.
Untitled
I'm soaring on wax wings
And I'm showing off my crooked halo
I've got a grudge to settle with my bitter heart
I can't read the book but I can play the part
And it's occurred to me that I should
Probably set this baggage down
So it's easier for me to get up off the ground
Soundtrack: "Only You" by Portishead
Let's be honest with each other here... I haven't always been faithful when it comes to delivering the poems. I know, I know... but it's hard sometimes. I don't always have inspiration, and sometimes I think what I've written is crap. But good people, I am not giving up. And I have a nice juicy poem for you today... so enjoy.
I was very excited about seeing Vaux, who played a show at the Marquis Theatre last night. But somewhere along the way yesterday that excitement imploded. I think most of it had to do with that fact that I didn't want to go to a show by myself. I'm not a social butterfly, but I do enjoy going out with good friends and having good times. I'm sure I would have enjoyed myself, too, and I am kicking myself for missing a great show. I think another part of it was that I was going to hang out with her last night... I hate the fact that I always allow my emotions to render me a totally unfunctioning idiot. I'm still working on that.
I recently decided that I wanted to get my old band going again. At the moment I'm playing guitar in Fair•Well, and it's fun, but it's not 100% exactly what I want to do. Yesterday I met with a candidate for lead singer, we exchanged some ideas and whatnot and it seems like this crazy idea of mine might become a reality. Which is awesome in so many ways. This guy has plenty of experience, he's got a great voice, and he is really into the project, so things are looking up. Now if I could only find a graphic design industry-related job or internship. Blah.
Untitled
I'm soaring on wax wings
And I'm showing off my crooked halo
I've got a grudge to settle with my bitter heart
I can't read the book but I can play the part
And it's occurred to me that I should
Probably set this baggage down
So it's easier for me to get up off the ground
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Ladies And Gentlemen...
Soundtrack: "God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys
I am pretty damn pretentious about music. But I'm nowhere near as pretentious as music critics. The dregs of humanity, they are, always throwing out their completely unqualified opinions on what's good. So what if you have a Masters degree in English? You're still an asshole. I mean, most of these people don't even know how to play a freakin' musical instrument... how lame is that? However, I am pretentious enough to feel qualified to tell you who the top five greatest rock bands are. So let's get started!
1. The Rolling Stones. They said it themselves, and I'm prone to agree. These guys are still going, and I doubt they're going to stop.
2. The Beatles. They revolutionized pop music. With their trusty producer, George Martin, at hand, they made some of the best albums that have some of the most interesting music on it. Then Yoko Ono came along...
3. The Who. I've heard them described as the best live band ever. I don't doubt it. Without them we wouldn't have rock and roll and metal. We'd have, I dunno... crap.
4. Alice In Chains. Hey kids, do you like Godsmack and Puddle of Mudd? Well guess what? Without Layne Staley, Jerry Cantrell, Sean Kinney, and the Mikes (Starr and Inez), they wouldn't exist. Which would be a good thing, but that would also mean no Alice In Chains, which would be bad.
5. The Clash. I struggled with this one... do I go with the guys who started it all, the Ramones? Do I go for the original sellouts, the Sex Pistols? Or do I go with the band that was overshadowed by those two fine acts, but had twice the style? I went with style. I mean, London Calling is only the coolest album cover EVER.
Soundtrack: "God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys
I am pretty damn pretentious about music. But I'm nowhere near as pretentious as music critics. The dregs of humanity, they are, always throwing out their completely unqualified opinions on what's good. So what if you have a Masters degree in English? You're still an asshole. I mean, most of these people don't even know how to play a freakin' musical instrument... how lame is that? However, I am pretentious enough to feel qualified to tell you who the top five greatest rock bands are. So let's get started!
1. The Rolling Stones. They said it themselves, and I'm prone to agree. These guys are still going, and I doubt they're going to stop.
2. The Beatles. They revolutionized pop music. With their trusty producer, George Martin, at hand, they made some of the best albums that have some of the most interesting music on it. Then Yoko Ono came along...
3. The Who. I've heard them described as the best live band ever. I don't doubt it. Without them we wouldn't have rock and roll and metal. We'd have, I dunno... crap.
4. Alice In Chains. Hey kids, do you like Godsmack and Puddle of Mudd? Well guess what? Without Layne Staley, Jerry Cantrell, Sean Kinney, and the Mikes (Starr and Inez), they wouldn't exist. Which would be a good thing, but that would also mean no Alice In Chains, which would be bad.
5. The Clash. I struggled with this one... do I go with the guys who started it all, the Ramones? Do I go for the original sellouts, the Sex Pistols? Or do I go with the band that was overshadowed by those two fine acts, but had twice the style? I went with style. I mean, London Calling is only the coolest album cover EVER.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
I Make $19.80 An Hour, Motherf***er!
Soundtrack: "Jane Says (live)" by Jane's Addiction
I'd like to talk about panhandlers for a moment. I don't mind giving beggars my change. In fact I welcome and sometimes even relish the chance to get rid of the bulky excesses of coinage that invade my pockets from time to time. But dude, I don't want to hear your sob story. I don't want to hear your pitiful excuse about how you were kicked out of the halfway house or how you're trying to find enough money for a bus ticket or how you need money for the hostel. I don't care about your situation. Just ask me for my change because when you give me a lame excuse it really just means "I really want a dime bag but I'm such a slacker that I can't even pay for it myself."
I love Denver at this time of the night because I get to observe the city when it's naked and vulnerable. My companions during the train ride home were James and Mohammed. James was very inebriated and very excited about his new job. And Mohammed, well, he was as "cool as a Polar Bear's toenails." The best part is waiting... while I patiently anticipated the arrival of the northbound D-Line to Downing Station, I was entertained by a car of drunk people boisterously and drunkenly singing "Jane Says" out their car window. Our little city may become drowsy, but she never sleeps. There is always something to see in Denver.
Soundtrack: "Jane Says (live)" by Jane's Addiction
I'd like to talk about panhandlers for a moment. I don't mind giving beggars my change. In fact I welcome and sometimes even relish the chance to get rid of the bulky excesses of coinage that invade my pockets from time to time. But dude, I don't want to hear your sob story. I don't want to hear your pitiful excuse about how you were kicked out of the halfway house or how you're trying to find enough money for a bus ticket or how you need money for the hostel. I don't care about your situation. Just ask me for my change because when you give me a lame excuse it really just means "I really want a dime bag but I'm such a slacker that I can't even pay for it myself."
I love Denver at this time of the night because I get to observe the city when it's naked and vulnerable. My companions during the train ride home were James and Mohammed. James was very inebriated and very excited about his new job. And Mohammed, well, he was as "cool as a Polar Bear's toenails." The best part is waiting... while I patiently anticipated the arrival of the northbound D-Line to Downing Station, I was entertained by a car of drunk people boisterously and drunkenly singing "Jane Says" out their car window. Our little city may become drowsy, but she never sleeps. There is always something to see in Denver.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
How To Disappear Completely
Soundtrack: "Over" by Portishead
Yesterday I was browsing through the latest issue of Print magazine and I came to an article about the Academy of Visual Arts in Leipzig, Germany. And something inside me said "Do this".
So I'm going to do it. I don't know if I'll get in to the school, but if I don't, I'll just try another German school. There are many of them, including Berlin. And I wouldn't mind living in the most metropolitan city in the world at all. The thing that really makes me interested in Leipzig is it's reputation. At the moment, some of the best designers in the world are emerging from the artistic cocoon that is the Academy of Visual Arts. They have some of the best teachers in the world. I want to learn from the best... I want to soak up their knowledge like a sponge. And it's Germany. Um, hello, the best beer in the world?!
Soundtrack: "Over" by Portishead
Yesterday I was browsing through the latest issue of Print magazine and I came to an article about the Academy of Visual Arts in Leipzig, Germany. And something inside me said "Do this".
So I'm going to do it. I don't know if I'll get in to the school, but if I don't, I'll just try another German school. There are many of them, including Berlin. And I wouldn't mind living in the most metropolitan city in the world at all. The thing that really makes me interested in Leipzig is it's reputation. At the moment, some of the best designers in the world are emerging from the artistic cocoon that is the Academy of Visual Arts. They have some of the best teachers in the world. I want to learn from the best... I want to soak up their knowledge like a sponge. And it's Germany. Um, hello, the best beer in the world?!
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Coin Slots Are Fun
Soundtrack: "High And Dry" by Radiohead
Out of boredom I filled out some dating survey thing. Here's what it had to say about the kind of girls I should be looking for:
Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life.
Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.
Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw her out of her shell and get to know what she is all about.
I couldn't agree more.
Speaking of dating, I'm done with that crap. It's silly and exhausting. I've decided I'm just going to make a girl fall in love with me. Should be fun.
Soundtrack: "High And Dry" by Radiohead
Out of boredom I filled out some dating survey thing. Here's what it had to say about the kind of girls I should be looking for:
Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life.
Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.
Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw her out of her shell and get to know what she is all about.
I couldn't agree more.
Speaking of dating, I'm done with that crap. It's silly and exhausting. I've decided I'm just going to make a girl fall in love with me. Should be fun.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Life, Liberty, And The Pursuit of Porn
Soundtrack: "Girl Named Sandoz" by The Smashing Pumpkins
The battle over censorship on the internet continues. It's a hot topic worldwide as governments all over the world try to figure out how to regulate things like pornography on the internet. And let's face it, we need it.
Although I don't agree with pornography and I think it's exploitation, we live in a nation where people are free to pursue happiness how they like. I personally don't see the happiness in pornography, it's like fast food sex. It satisfies the urge but doesn't compare to the full 5-course dinner. Sex was meant for a deep, loving, monogamous relationship, not a drive through. There is a spiritual side to it, and I'd say wanking off in the dark in front of a computer is less than spiritually satisfying. But some people go for that (which gives me the creeps), and we live in a nation based on Freedom, and they should be allowed to do whatever it is they want to do in the dark. The trick is, how do we regulate porn?
I think one solution is getting rid of free porn "landing pad" sites. They rarely have disclaimer pages that keep people who don't want to see it from having a coronary, and they have all sorts of clever and innocent names that make it way too easy for kids to stumble upon "daily free sex!" And if people want free smut, make them prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are 18 and require a credit card to access the site. No free previews until the identity of the user has been confirmed.
That doesn't mean that kids aren't going to be able to find porn on the internet, but it will help. I was in middle school once upon a time, I know what curiosity is like. But we need to protect the people who don't want access to porn at all. I'm sure eventually technology will come along that will make it much easier to regulate adult web sites, but in the mean time I think people should be required to use a credit card to help authenticate their identity. No credit card? Tough. Go buy a magazine like they used to do in the old days.
Soundtrack: "Girl Named Sandoz" by The Smashing Pumpkins
The battle over censorship on the internet continues. It's a hot topic worldwide as governments all over the world try to figure out how to regulate things like pornography on the internet. And let's face it, we need it.
Although I don't agree with pornography and I think it's exploitation, we live in a nation where people are free to pursue happiness how they like. I personally don't see the happiness in pornography, it's like fast food sex. It satisfies the urge but doesn't compare to the full 5-course dinner. Sex was meant for a deep, loving, monogamous relationship, not a drive through. There is a spiritual side to it, and I'd say wanking off in the dark in front of a computer is less than spiritually satisfying. But some people go for that (which gives me the creeps), and we live in a nation based on Freedom, and they should be allowed to do whatever it is they want to do in the dark. The trick is, how do we regulate porn?
I think one solution is getting rid of free porn "landing pad" sites. They rarely have disclaimer pages that keep people who don't want to see it from having a coronary, and they have all sorts of clever and innocent names that make it way too easy for kids to stumble upon "daily free sex!" And if people want free smut, make them prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are 18 and require a credit card to access the site. No free previews until the identity of the user has been confirmed.
That doesn't mean that kids aren't going to be able to find porn on the internet, but it will help. I was in middle school once upon a time, I know what curiosity is like. But we need to protect the people who don't want access to porn at all. I'm sure eventually technology will come along that will make it much easier to regulate adult web sites, but in the mean time I think people should be required to use a credit card to help authenticate their identity. No credit card? Tough. Go buy a magazine like they used to do in the old days.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Throat Pygmies?!
Soundtrack: "The Aeroplane Flies High" by The Smashing Pumpkins
I would be in Durango right now, seeing old freinds and reminding myself of why I left in the first place, but the throat pygmies came back. The little rascals visited me in the night, building their bonfires and revelling in their black-magic voodoo ceremonies until I was finally able to drown the little buggers once again with orange juice and green tea as well as one of my mother's favorite home remedies, gargling with salt water. It does wonders, I tell you. Their chanting and tomfoolery must have been aimed at my stomach, because for a while there the wonderful German food I had yesterday wanted to leave my stomach through the wrong end. So I've been taking it easy today, silently cursing my immune system for falling asleep on the job. I wish I could fire it and get a new one. These late spring illnesses that I seem to get every year are not fun. Maybe I need to drink more beer.
Speaking of beer, and German food, Jen and I had dinner last night at the wonderful Cafe Berlin. It's not cheap, but it is good. I had the Schweinekoteletts mit Äpfeln and it was delicious. Jen ordered the Rouladen and that was pretty good, but the best thing was the 1/2 litre of Warsteiner Pils I enjoyed along with my meal. Oh, and the 1/3 litre of Weihenstephan Dunkelweizen. Jen was drinking some really good Riesling that I dropped a piece of pork chop into. I don't reccomend doing that.
Soundtrack: "The Aeroplane Flies High" by The Smashing Pumpkins
I would be in Durango right now, seeing old freinds and reminding myself of why I left in the first place, but the throat pygmies came back. The little rascals visited me in the night, building their bonfires and revelling in their black-magic voodoo ceremonies until I was finally able to drown the little buggers once again with orange juice and green tea as well as one of my mother's favorite home remedies, gargling with salt water. It does wonders, I tell you. Their chanting and tomfoolery must have been aimed at my stomach, because for a while there the wonderful German food I had yesterday wanted to leave my stomach through the wrong end. So I've been taking it easy today, silently cursing my immune system for falling asleep on the job. I wish I could fire it and get a new one. These late spring illnesses that I seem to get every year are not fun. Maybe I need to drink more beer.
Speaking of beer, and German food, Jen and I had dinner last night at the wonderful Cafe Berlin. It's not cheap, but it is good. I had the Schweinekoteletts mit Äpfeln and it was delicious. Jen ordered the Rouladen and that was pretty good, but the best thing was the 1/2 litre of Warsteiner Pils I enjoyed along with my meal. Oh, and the 1/3 litre of Weihenstephan Dunkelweizen. Jen was drinking some really good Riesling that I dropped a piece of pork chop into. I don't reccomend doing that.
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