Memories Are Like Our Favorite Old Movies
Soundtrack: "Fitter, Happier" by Radiohead

It's been a wild week so far. Things keep popping up that are making it very easy for me to continue chasing after my wild dream of never having another job ever again. It's appealing, to say the least. I've thought about writing professionally. I seem to have a knack for it, so why not get paid? I might not be able to write as many stupid "emo" poems, but that's probably a good thing. Speaking of "emo" poems, here's another one.

Untitled 11
Her memory is tearing my world apart
But I dont' want to put it back together
The one thing I want most in this world
Is to wrap my arms around her
These chains that bind my sould
Aren't getting any lighter
But the only thing I can do is try to
Shrug them off so I can run after yesterday

Good Humor
Soundtrack: Educated Horses by Rob Zombie

During my senior year of high school we studied classic English literature, from Beowulf to Shakespeare. But we didn't just study the works themselves, we studied the whole circumstances surrounding them including the culture. In the Medieval world they studied what are known as the bodily humors. It was an early attempt at medicine but it still worked in a general sort of way. There are four humors, represented by colors that coresponded to whatever ailment the patient is suffering. So, black represented a Melancholic temperament, red a Sanguine temperament, green a Phlegmatic temperament, and yellow a Choleric temperament.

Over the years the bodily humors were modified to apply to more of a psychological meaning. Sanguine represents an outgoing and passionate personality, equatable to red or blood, the essence of life. They're usually the fun-loving party people. Choleric represents charismatic qualities often found in leaders, and is represented by gold or fire, which matches their fiery tempers. Next is Phlegmatic, represented by green or earth. Phlegmatics are generally self-content and kind, they can also be shy. They are down-to-earth people, thus the earth representation.

I'm what you call a Melancholic. I'm introspective and reflective. I think about everything and anything. At my core I'm a soft-hearted daydreamer who longs for my ideal life. I love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic. Which is totally true.

Here's what else the people who came up with this stuff have to say about me:
Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.
You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.
Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.

At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.
You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.
You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

Yeah, I think that's pretty representative of the Toph, wouldn't you say? I think it's time for me to go off and sulk some more.

Motivation
Soundtrack: "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" by The Smashing Pumpkins

Please, someone give me a job. I don't want to sit here anymore.

Hoplite
He breathes deeply and walks through the door
He's been standing there forever
He doesn't want to fight this war
He's been fighting it forever
Bayonet lowered he charges forward
Shards transforming never
Flags flying low and banners flow
Diving deep into the nether

I'm hiding my heart in plain view
I'm raising my fist but not for you
I'm all alone but not the only one
I'm crawling towards the sun

He's told "keep waiting, you'll get yours soon"
He's been waiting here forever
He doesn't want to wait anymore
He doesn't want to surrender
He picks up his sword and leads the charge
Pounding forward toward forever
Explosions rock his unsteady world
Diving deep into the nether

My heart is just the same
My head is lowered in shame
I'm not alone but I'm the only one
I'm crawling towards the sun

I Don't Ask For Much
Soundtrack: "Tales Of A Scorched Earth" by The Smashing Pumpkins

I don't ask for much, really. Just a nice young lady who enjoys hardcore, walks in the rain, Mustangs, and sad movies.

So why is it that now that I've found this girl, she just wants to be friends?

Just grumbling. Don't mind me.

Can I Have My Day Back, Please?
Soundtrack: "Same Ol' Road" by Dredg

My day sucked. I don't even want to talk about it. We'll just leave it at "it sucked". So I've decided that tomorrow I'm going to make up for all of the lost time today. It is going to rock. Seriously, I love Mondays. Especially ones that are national holidays.

Wolf In Sheep's Clothing
I am a wolf in sheep's clothing
I am a serpent and I am a dove
I will make you strong
I will make you cry
But I am nothing of what I need to be.

I am an accident waiting to happen
I am a ticking time bomb
I am a sinner and I am a saint
I will make your day
I will make life hell
And I am right outside your door.

Where Do I Start?
Soundtrack: "Acrobat" by U2

Seriously, I'm still trying to comprehend everything that happened during the last 8 hours. Let's start with this: Saturdays are supposed to be Poker nights around here. Didn't happen. Instead, the Felixes and Whitney came over and we played Settlers of Catan (German game of the year in 1995) until the wee hours of the morning. Many "wood" jokes were made, and it was decided that Whitney and I both need to get laid. Where that will go, I dunno. Anyway, a good time was had by all. But it put into serious question some of the mechanics of "the group". Especially when it comes to Hunter's main squeeze. Let's just say that her future within our little posse is questionable. And I discovered that I'm much more open to suggestion than I thought I was. Let's hope it doesn't become my downfall.

Presenting Taylor Hicks, Your Next President Of The United States
Soundtrack: "Suffocating Under The Words Of Sorrow (What Can I Do)" by Bullet For My Valentine

This bothers me. A lot.

By the way, I feel much better today. Last night was rough. Very rough.

Crawling Towards The Sun...
Soundtrack: "The Canyon Behind Her" by Dredg, "Acrobat" by U2

I'm scared. I'm scared and helpless and emotionally at my end. For the last week I haven't been able to get up earlier than around 11:00 am or so, and I don't know why. I think it probably has to do with how I've been sleeping, not how much I've been sleeping. I haven't been able to remember any of my dreams, which usually throws up a red flag in my mind because I usually remember at least one dream on any given day of the week. I've also woken up and really weird points throughout the night/morning. Anyway. Thoughts and prayers would be nice. 'Cause I'm finding it really incredibly difficult to deal with life right now, and there's not really anything difficult happening. Well, other than what I was just talking about. Oh, and also my brain won't shut up, which is really hard on me. I mean, look at the time... 4 in the freakin' morning.

But yeah. Last time this stuff started happening I had a nice little breakdown and became very depressed for a few months, and that's not my favorite thing to have to deal with. So prayers, please. Yeah.

Burn It Down And Walk Away
Soundtrack: "Five Year Winter" by Zao

It's recently occured to me that I don't have to stay in Colorado in order to pursue my design degree. I've thought about moving elsewhere, like Seattle or even somewhere back East. It doesn't matter where I am... what matters is that I am able to fully leave my previously complacent and lackadaisical attitude. So, if anyone knows of a good design program somewhere other than Colorado, and you think it's worth me moving somewhere else, let me know. I don't know if I'll go do it or not, but I'll at least consider it. Who knows, I may be sticking around Colorado after all.

I'm always enchanted to see what the professionals can do with Photoshop. Like in these fine examples. Don't get freaked out by the fact that the site's in Russian, you're just lookin' at the pretty pictures.

I'm Gonna Be Honest With Ya...
Soundtrack: "The Tourist" by Radiohead

Right. So I've had some to drink. Specifically, some nasty cheapo blended Scotch and some Bushmills. So I could write something, but it would most likely be something that would make a porn star blush in shame. Which is why I call this "My Mind Is Dangerous". It's too bad you can't see my keystrokes because my spelling errors are atrocious.

Anyway, in lieu of writing a poem, I'm going to post one of my friends' poems. Because he rocks. And this poem is about a subject close to my heart. This toast is to you, J.P.

i am drunk, reciting poems in the air.

the alochol is deep in my bloodstream,
fighting the tactful cells still lodged in my tongue!

they say, "keep spouting your heart, dear drunk one,
let your lungs empty with the razors you intend to throw at the world!"

i pause, instead finding myselfishself reading my own poetry,
sipping the last of the Jager from a freezer-chilled bottle; and I pause and think of you.

this is the last poem, i quietly think, in which I can think of you out loud,
your beautiful legs sliding over the verses, your tongue licking the metaphors.

but sweet God, your mouth!, the sweetness you held within, glowing like
so much of a sun, bleeding all the shadows around my heart dead and still.

i retire, back into my bed, comforted by the silence that 2 a.m. affords,
still dreaming of your laugh, your lips, your tongue, your taste;

and the future that I pray so tirelessly for.

There Is Nothing Easy About This...
Soundtrack: "Not Dark Yet" by Bob Dylan

Not quite a year ago I decided I didn't like my life and I didn't like who I was. And I decided to change.

Needless to say, it's been hard.

There are still things that I don't like, stupid habits that make my teeth grind with frustration. But they are slowly fading away. And I've found a voice, my true voice in fact. I feel like I'm not good at speech. When I hear myself speak I hear myself stumble over my words and every now and then stutter. Which is ironic considering I'm pretty good at public speaking, and if I have time to think over my words and form a cohesive thought, things are all good. So to be able to do this, to constructively put my thoughts down in a somewhat eloquent way, well, I'm thrilled to pieces.

I'm also trying to be more patient. And it seems the more patient I am, the less I have to wait for things. I almost cried with joy this morning when I realized how many freelance design projects are falling into my lap. I don't care about the money, although I do have to pay bills. Every single project I do is experience, and that is what I'm interested in. And it's wonderful. Even the bad experiences are great, because they are opportunities to learn.

One thing is certain. I think this year is going to be good. Last year was hard on me, and the past semester wasn't easy, either. But I think that this is going to be my summer and ultimately my year. I can't wait.

Internships Are Quite Delicious
Soundtrack: "Idioteque" by Radiohead

I have come to the conclusion that the next step for my life is to find an internship. My job situation isn't changing which means it's not getting better which means no progress, and I'm really not down with that. So internship it is. I have some options, thankfully, so I'm going to be working my ass off for the next few weeks trying to obtain one of these lovely little monsters.

Of course, if any of you out there in internet land know of any art or design internships available, feel free to let me know. I'd really appreciate it!

Good Company
Erase this
But don't erase me
Keep me here
Gleaming silver salt shaker
Empty ash tray
And plenty of conversation
With myself
'Cause I keep good company

Place this
Where it belongs
Keep me away
Where the circular lights float
They illuminate my pencil
And my paper
I sit by myself
'Cause I keep good company

Not this
Not a compromise
One less addiction
No more lonely frustration
Illuminate my soul
So I don't break
Not by myself
But with good company

... And There Was Much Rejoicing In The Land
Soundtrack: "Hold Fast Hope" by Thrice

I have a date. Booyah.

In other news, I still love the rain and I still love wasting time in Washington Park.

And in other other news, I was on the LRT today when it was involved in an accident. It totally fucked up my plans to go waste time in Washington Park, but I did that anyway. I hope the authorities find the asshole who decided it was a good idea to cause an accident and then drive off... what if it had been more serious and people died? Proof that the stupid people are the ones breeding. Geez.

Rock And Roll Angels...
Soundtrack: "Hard Rock Hallelujah" by Lordi

I wish I could make this kind of stuff up, but I can't. Every year Eurovision hosts the ultimate song competition, appropriately titled the Eurovision Song Contest. This year a bunch of monsters won it with their song "Hard Rock Hallelujah". Think George Romero meets Dio. It's nuts. Check out the video, it comes complete with zombie cheerleaders.

I Like Oranges... and Orange Hair
Soundtrack: "If These Scars Could Speak" by Zao

So, I'm thinking about dying my hair again. I've gone over all of the obvious choices-- black, natural red, etcetera. But after taking one of those silly little online quizes, I was informed that I should dye it orange... a possibility I had not looked at. And it totally made sense, oddly enough. I think it'd look great orange. We'll see, though.

Untitled #10
Her tears run down like morning dew
She doesn't know why
She feels alien and isolated
Because nobody has cried for her

Crimson edges like a picture frame
In this place that tastes like pills
Her bones ache from within
And still nobody cries for her

Things To Do In Denver...
Soundtrack: Live at High Wycomb 2-20-1980 by Joy Division

Here are some things I discovered yesterday:
1. Watercourse is awesome. Not particularly cheap, but awesome nonetheless. I have decided that I need to go back and try one of everything on their menu.
2. I'm actually pretty good at this Graphic Design thing.
3. The progressively drunker a crowd at a karaoke bar gets, the progressively worse the singing gets, as well as the selections. Of course, most everyone else is drunk enough to not care, but even when I've had a few drinks I find that I am an enormous music snob.
4. The airspeed velocities of unladen African and European swallows are proportional to the amount of bad movies that John Cleese has been in. Just trust me on this.

I'm really considering not getting a "real job". If I can continue to build my client base at the rate I've been going, within a year I don't think I'll have to. This client building has been going at an exponential rate, which is cool to see. Assuming that these clients will give me referrals, it will continue to build exponentially. And that's a good thing.

I've been a fan of 40's and 50's pinup art for quite some time now, and while browsing around yesterday someone brought my attention to these: George Petty's Ridgid Tools Calendars. Not quite as good as Vargas' or Elvgren's work, but still fun.

More Sweet Than Bitter?
Soundtrack: "Behind Me Lies Another Fallen Soldier" by As I Lay Dying

I've been lax with the poetry the last couple days, and I apologize for that. Here's my latest offering, it came to me tonight after watching Memoir Of A Geisha. Life, in it's most simple terms, is a series of bittersweet moments. But these moments are all that we have... and we should relish each of them.

I should probably just post the poem before I start sounding like a Japanese Anime from the 90's.

These Bitter Herbs
Will you drink this cup
It's bitterness is sweet to the taste
These moments float like petals upon water
Will you take these steps?

Once again I walk away
My bitterness is sweet on my lips
I must relax this hardened fist
Will you walk with me?

They Say It's Your Birthday, Well It's My Birthday Too, Yeah!
Soundtrack: "Meaning In Tragedy" by As I Lay Dying

Today my little brother turned 23. My dad has been in town the whole week, so he took all of us crazy housemates out to celebrate. Stefan decided he wanted some Japanese, so we all headed out to Sonoda on 16th and Market and enjoyed some sushi and other Japonese cuisine. And of course, we topped it all off with green tea ice cream. Good eats, for sure!

My day tomorrow is going to be nuts, but I'm not complaining. First off is lunch with the Jenmonster, followed up by a meeting with Tom Rockman, a good friend of mine who's a political writer. We met through Madstone Theatre where we both worked for a while, and we recently bumped into each other last semester down at the Auraria campus. It turns out that he needs some graphic design work done, so I'm excited about being able to help him out with that. After that comes the best part... I get to do some recording, which will rock as I haven't done any of that in a while. I should be done with that just in time to hit Bender's for Karaoke. Friday's looking full, too, as is Saturday, so I'm excited. Whoo hoo.

Mmm, Dirt...
Soundtrack: "We'll Sort This Out Right Now" by Stavesacre

So, I'm sitting here wondering when I'll be able to actually take a shower. Because there is a construction crew fixing our sewer line problem, but they've asked us not to use water while they are working. Which, I have to say, puts a big damper on my plans for today. Because I really take joy in the though of walking around smelling like a bum. Maybe people will think I really am a bum and give me money. That would be fun. Really, it's not that bad. Some extra deodorant and I'll be good to go, but I feel dirty. And I hate that feeling.

Tonight I'm taking part in a poetry reading that the creative writing small group at Scum of the Earth does from time to time. Should be fun, and I'll most likely read something. Tell your friends.

Lazy Monday
Soundtrack: "Stuck Inside Of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again" by Bob Dylan

I'm lobster red.

It's cause I spent a majority of my day lounging around Washington Park, talking about the good ol' days with an old school friend. It was good times. I think I might make it a new Monday tradition.


Plans are afoot, plans of which are epic in proportion. I can't say what yet but there will be more to come of this subject.