Sarcasm So Thick It Drips From The Walls...
Soundtrack: "Stir It Up" by Bob Marley

It's frustrating to me when people can't seem to get me or accept me for who I am. And I'm in that exact kind of situation right now. It used to be quite a quandry for me. I would spend so much time trying to get people to like me, and for the first half of my life I struggled with who I was and how to relate to people.

And then I grew up. And found the internet.

In middle school I found some friends who accepted me for who I was. I felt comfortable around them, and it was awesome. Before then I usually only had a good friend or two who I was really tight with, and that's hard when you feel like you are unacceptable. But the problem was that I was trying too hard. Sure, there was the fact that I wasn't athletic and that I loved art and "wierd" things, but I didn't make the situation any better. But in eighth grade I learned that if I was just myself, everything would be cool. The next three or so years were awkward as I had to really learn who I really was, but it worked out in the end. By my senior year of High School I was comfortable enough with myself that I didn't have to worry about whether or not someone liked me for who I was. If they didn't I just shrugged and went on my merry way. Granted, the first two years of High School were tough, but I like to think that I've turned out marvelously well-adjusted. Cynical and overly sarcastic, but still well-adjusted.

So this brings me to my current predicament. It's a moral quandry of sorts. It's not like I don't care what people think, I really do. I'd rather have someone be a friend than an enemy, but if they don't have the ability to like me despite who I am, I don't need them. I don't need to be in a situation where I'm constantly having to think about whether I'll offend someone or not. I don't need to be in a situation where I put on a face in front of my friends. Even though my personality is very adaptable (I often find myself taking on the mannerisms and slang and whatnot of which ever group of people I'm hanging out with), it's not a fake personality. I'm blunt, I don't pull punches, but I don't go out of my way to alienate or shock people. If I do, I apologize and make up for it. But right now I'm in a situation where a certain person is attached to one of my roomates. I'm good friends with all of my roomates, and we have a lot of mutual friends. There are rare exceptions, though, and this person I speak of is one of them. I've tried dumbing down my humor a little, and I'm respectful, but I don't think they get it, and it worries me because it's a dating situation. As in my roomate is dating this person.

If it comes down to me trying to be someone else around this person, there's no way that's happening. I am not going to sacrifice myself just because someone doesn't understand me. I don't know how to tell them that, but if it comes down to it I feel like it's something I will have to do.

On the other hand, though, I'm glad there is yet another person who seems to very much understand who I am. Jen is the coolest. It's kinda scary how much we have in common, but in a really cool way. And I feel so comfortable around her, as opposed to awkward and uncomfortable like in some situations. So things are looking up.

No, we're not dating. Stop asking me that! Seriously, though, I just want to have fun. I don't want to feel obligated to do stuff just because she's a girl. If things progress into a long-term relationship, that's cool, but if not, that's cool too because I finally have someone who I can go to shows with that doesn't have a penis. Because sausage fests suck.

They Aren't Called Massive Attack For Nothing...
Soundtrack: A Place Called Home by Ignite

Last night was the concert spectacle of the year for me. Massive Attack played the Fillmore here in Denver, and it was amazing. Definitely in my Top Five Concert Experiences ever. They had their whole cadre there, too... Elizabeth Fraser, Horace Andy, and the soulful Shara Nelson. The performance was amazing. Very tight and very clean. I think the only other band I've heard that sounds as tight live as they do on a studio album is Tool, although Mastodon is up there as well. "Inertia Creeps" was amazing, "Teardrop" and "Angel" were emotionally moving, and their set flowed so well. Definitely worth the ticket price.

Tonight was a different vibe. I spent a few hours at the Global Night Commute, which is a worldwide event that is designed to raise awareness and give a voice to the Invisible Children. I wasn't able to stay overnight (too many damn class projects), but I took part in the art project and the letter writing, and that was the most important thing to me. There was a really great turn out, and I hope that it is as successful as it deserves to be. Jen was there as well, and I ran into my friend Sarah from Scum. Good times.

I'd love to expound some more, but schoolwork calls. *grumble*

Fun With Formatting!
Soundtrack: "Ever And A Day" by AFI

The fun thing about blogs is being able to play around with web design and make things look cool and whatnot. I thought I'd try something new with the formatting and whatnot, hopefully it's something I can keep around.

So last night was nuts. Definintely one of the coolest things I've ever witnessed, that's for sure. I was already in a good mood since my classes were actually fun yesterday. Let's recap the day real quick: in Typography and Layout we got to listen to jazz the entire three hours of class, even though there is a no "electronic devices" are allowed in the class rule. So no CD players, no iPods, no headphones... it's a rough class. I didn't have to go to my Spanish class today, I was feeling very perky and all-around happy by the time Illustrator class rolled around, which is a very rare thing. And Illustrator was smooth as a baby's butt. Usually I have a headache by the time that class is done, but it was a work day so I just tuned everything out and chatted with Kyle about design and so forth. It was good times.

I could have gone home happy and maybe played some video games, or headed to Leela and talked with the happy hippys. But Jen invited me to a cool little art/music/film festival that was going on at five different places in the old warehouse part of town. Larimer Lounge has Boddingtons on tap, so I enjoyed a couple of those, and we listened to some cool bands (and one not so cool band) and watched Jen's friend Rich get ridiculously drunk. Good times. The best part had to be the last band, Out On Bail. They rocked the joint with tons of honky tonk flavored rock, and at one point they had the Eye Candy Magazine girls on stage. All hell broke loose after that, as a feral pack of wild zebra-tiger-horse people covered from head to toe in day-glo orange body paint joined them onstage. And my parents wonder why I listen to this kind of music...

Soundtrack: "Notes On Pulling the Sky Down" by Strike Anywhere

It's going to be a late night tonight. Again. Kinko's totally screwed up my calendar project. Not before their binding machine went out of order, leaving me high and dry. So, I need to figure out what to do because there was no way I was going to walk out of there with what they wanted to give me. Perhaps I should go to a different Kinko's.

I still haven't heard about "The" job yet, so if I don't hear about it by the end of the week, I'm going to assume it's not mine. Not setting yourself up for disappointment is great. What happens, though, when you don't want to go though another disappointing situation so much that you make a point to not have that happen? I'm speaking outside of the job situation here. I mean, I really don't like failure. I hate it, I fear it. Should I be worrying about as much as I am?

Soundtrack: "Rumors Of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exagerated" by Rise Against

It's been a while since I've been to a good rock show, so tonight I went to see Kill Hannah at the invitation of Jen. It was a sort of last-minute thing, usually I head to Leela after classes are done for the day. But I needed something to energize me after today. I'm so sick of school it's not even funny.

Still no word on the job of the century. I've been wondering lately what working as an Advertising Director would mean. Would I even need to bother finishing school? On the other hand, I really need to learn to finish things I start, including a degree. I'm commited to it, and if there is anything that gets in the way of that commitment, school will ultimately overrule it. My recent frustrations aside, I really do love college, which is part of why I have been there for so long. The end is on the horizon, though. Not as near as I'd like it to be, but still in sight. So for now, I'm just going to crank up the stereo and enjoy the ride.

Sountrack: "Call Me" by Blondie

Transition is something that used to scare me. I used to be utterly mortified by even the concept of the state of flux. But it is something that over the years I've grown accustomed to, eventually turning into something I relish. But I also seek simplicity and stability, so I find myself in a unique dilema... how do I have both? They are both extremes that oppose each other on the spectrum. An interesting conundrum, for sure.

Flux is the main thing I thought about as I meandered back home after Genesis tonight. Genesis is in a unique position right now... it's the first church I've witnessed in it's actual infant stages. When I first started attending Scum Of The Earth, it was in it's terrible toddler stage, and growing fast. And now that it is starting to become an adult church, I've realized that although it hasn't lost it's community feel, it's a large community that I don't entirely feel a part of. And so I have moved on. Genesis is really cool because it's even more community oriented... it's still small and still very young, but I don't see it getting to the point where it outgrows itself.

Anyway, tonight we finished up 1 John and the introduction to "What is Love?". As usual the discussion was all over the place, ranging from "Dance, Monkey, Dance!" to Yoda, but the main thrust of the conversation was centered around the concept that since God is Love, those of us who follow God and Christ should love Him and love one another. And by "one another" I mean everyone all over the world, although the relationship between a Christian and a non-Christian is always going to be much different than that of two Christians.

But here's an interesting thought... why can't people who do not believe in the divinity of Christ still utilize the simple rules of Love? The "Dance, Monkey, Dance" movie I posted earlier makes a good point at one point: we Monkeys hate each other. Not everyone, of course, but we hate monkeys who are different or come from a different background. Here's my argument: any of us, no matter what we believe, whether we are Taoist, Buddhist, Jewish, Muslim, Christian, Islamic, whatever... we all can apply at least most of the teachings of Christ to our lives. Christ called us to love one another. So maybe we should take that advice. And I'd like to challenge everyone to simply love their neighbor. Remember the golden rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do to you." It's beautifully simple.

This is too good...

Dance, monkeys, dance!

Soundtrack: "This Is England" by The Clash

Those who know me well know that I am impulsive, sometimes to a fault. In high school my name was synonymous with doing dumb stuff. "Dude, that was dumb... you're pulling a Chris Short!" Thankfully most of the impulsive things I have done recently have turned out well, such as getting my ears pierced, dying my hair and subsequently shearing it all off, etc. But the other day I made a bet that I may end up regretting.

I may have to buy two of my friends each a $475 glass of some of the best, and rarest, single malt Scotch Whiskey in the world.

Here's the deal. When Joe and Kyle and I were hanging out the other day, we were talking about the Advertising Director job I'm up for (and things are looking very promising, y the way). We were also looking at the Scotch menu at Pint's Pub and discussing that I'd be able to afford the most expensive whiskey on the menu, which is the above mentioned $475 dollar-a-glass variety. And Joe, almost jokingly, said "Hey, I'd be willing to pay for Toph's meal if he gets this job and buys me a glass of that Scotch". And of course Kyle had to get in it, and of course, me being the impulsive idiot I am, I said "OK!" And now it's looking like I'm going to get this job. I'd buy myself a glass, of course, so that's looking like my first paycheck right there. Oh boy.

But I look at it like this: we'll be drinking for Jesus. See, if I get the job, that means that I definitely have to give my props the the big man upstairs for looking out for me. Which means celebration and jubilee and horns and harps and lyres and whatnot. And $475 glasses of Scotch Whiskey. Which makes me wonder... will that fit into my monthly tithe?!

Soundtrack: "Man In Black" by Johnny Cash

I thought I should let you all know that I have a most annoying and horrible headache. I don't even know where it came from.

Soundtrack: "Book of the Month" by Lovage

Whoever came up with this amazing little piece of advertising genius is, well, a genius.

Soundtrack: How To Live With A Curse by Stavesacre

Well, it's been a week, that's for sure. I'm pretty frustrated with classes right now, especially since I recieved a failing grade on the identity system project I worked so hard on. I'm working to try to change that grade, especially since I did the work necessary to get the project finished. Argh.

It's not all downs this week, though. On Tuesday Stavesacre put out their new album, How To Live With A Curse. It is most definitely rockin'. Big drums, awesome guitar work, and the lyrics are amazing as ever. They are epic rock songs with awesome hooks that make you end up humming the songs all day long. It's great to see the boys return to form.

Not only that, but I was recently offered an interview for an Advertising Director position at a marketing company. It looks like a great job, so I'm excited about it. Hopefully all goes well and I get it... keep your fingers crossed. It's so easy to not want to work, to be happy with just existing. And I've had to live with that curse for so long, it's time to shake it off and move on with my life. My apathy and cynicism make it easy for me to become complacent, and my complacency is what is killing me. But I'm changing that, I'm changing my life and leaving it all behind. It's time to kill my darlings and heal with slashes and burns.

Soundtrack: El Sexorcisto: Devil Music by White Zombie

I'd like to take this little opportunity to talk about oppression. Specifically, marriage. Hah hah. No, I don't really think marriage is oppression, although I suppose in some cases it can eventually get to that point (which means the marriage is not healthy and it needs to be fixed). What do I really think about marriage, you ask? It's hard work. That was demonstrated to me today when my buddy Justin stopped by, right around the time I was going to leave for bible study tonight. It turns out he had an especially not fun little argument with his wife, and the guy was visibly pissed about it. So what do you do in this case? Invite him to the bible study or go be his friend and let him vent and get through it? It's a tough call, but I went with go be his friend. Which has now led to drinking Sake and beers while watching Sleepy Hollow... Anime is to follow.

But back to marriage. I keep saying that I'm ready any time to get married, once my life finds a little more stability. But I don't know if I really am. I don't know if I'm ready to go through all of the crap. It's hard to know, really. I don't know if anyone is really completely prepared for it... it's just something you have to get used to once you're in it.

Am I even making sense?

Soundtrack: apparently iTunes doesn't work on this computer...

So, Easter this year was good. Even though I tried my hardest to sabotage it this afternoon. I was supposed to go have Easter dinner with Joe and his wife Anita and some of the peeps from Genesis, but I couldn't get out the door... you know how it is sometimes. So I ended up missing them, so there went my plans out the window. And of course, since I was all revved up about having plans, I didn't want to go sit in my room and do homework and that sort of nonsense, so I went for a bike ride. I jumped on the #3 bus and took it straight to Kipling (way out in the boonies, I might add). There are tons of cool bike trails along Kipling that interconnect, so I had a nice ride and made my way to Hunter's parents' house and ate some ham and watched The Bourne Identity and The Bourne Supremacy back to back. Good times. The bike ride was hard core, probably one of the most strenuous that I've ever gone through, but it was definitely worth it. The cool thing is that I'm really pumped to start riding more, and do some downhill stuff. Green Mountain has some pretty cool bike trails that range from beginner to tough, so I'll probably start riding there when I can. I owe it to myself, especially since lately I've been about as active as a bump on a log.

Soundtrack: "1812 Overture" by Tchaikovsky

First of all, I'd just like to say, for the record, that any song that has cannons in it is a good song.

Last night Benjamin, Ben Ben Ben, and Kimberly threw a little passover thing. It was a lot of fun, I had never done one. It wasn't the actual passover ceremony, it was more of "Hey, let's to do something for Passover even though Benjamin's the only one who's Jewish". But it was fun nonetheless. I think next year I want to go to an actual Passover Seder and see how it's realy done.

In about twenty seconds I'm heading to the Museum of Contemporary Art with The Saint. It's sure to be good times.

Soundtrack: "With Every Light" by the Smashing Pumpkins

It's come to my attention that people's comments on my postings were being rejected, and I think I've fixed that. So feel free to comment away.

Yesterday was movie night at The Saint's. Donnie Darko was the movie. I have always loved that film. Donnie is like a super-dark paranoid schizophrenic version of me, so I find it easy to identify with him. I seem to be into the tragedies and really well-done love stories these days, Probably because I sometimes see myself as a tragic figure. In my own head, of course. Of course, things might change on Sunday... that's when Lent ends and I am free to return to the two things I love best: coffee and alcohol. Yum.

It seems as though my plans to form a world-class design firm might come to light. I had lunch with Chris, one of my teachers from last semester. Chris mentioned that there was a lot of talent in the CCD Graphic Design program, especially amidst the second-year students. Then he went on to suggest that these said students get together and form a super-group of sorts. And I agree totally, as well as some of my fellow students. So I'm excited. I think I'm going to get going double-quick time on a design firm proposal and peddle it around to people... see if they like it. I think it would be totally cool, because some of my classmates are doing professional level work already. Here's to the future... it looks bright.

Soundtrack: mouse clicks, keyboard tapping, and hushed conversation...

I need to start sleeping more. I fear for my sanity. And the worst part is that I'm not staying up late just to stay up late, I'm being productive while I dodge sleep until 3 in the morning. I get plenty done, there just aren't enough hours in a day to get done with everything that I need to do. And that is a problem.

What's the solution? Well, unless we, mankind, can figure out a way to slow down the earth's rotation, and maybe even control the frequency with with this planet revolves around the sun, there is no solution. Maybe I should start taking naps between classes.

Soundtrack: "Pushit" by Tool

For the first time since the semester started, I do not feel overwhelmed. It's nice. I'm a little frustrated with both of the projects I'm working on for my design classes, but that's just life... there's always going to be something frustrating that will come along to pick at you. But I can deal with that. I can't deal with the feeling of being behind all the time, and that is gone.

Now I just need to work on the stupid lonliness thing. Dammit.

Soundtrack: Proxima Estacion... Esperanza by Manu Chao

Genesis was very interesting tonight. There was a very in depth discussion about the nature of Mankind amongst discussion about how much sex we'll have in heaven. It was decided that there will be a lot because we won't have anything else to do other than garden. And have sex. And that's fine by me.

Before Genesis I stopped by Ink! Coffee to fill out an application, and it just so happened that I have a bunch of friends who work there, including the illustrious Sarah. So she put in a good word for me, and I was able to get a quick little interview. It went pretty well, which is promising.

I'm not feeling so hopeless today. This morning wasn't great, since it was hot today and I was job hunting and I found jack squat, but the afternoon was much better. I just need to keep my (relatively) bald head up and stay positive.

The RTD strike finally ended last week, and today everything was back to full operating status. Which is a huge relief since I rely on RTD to get me around. In fact, the strike left me with the realization that I'm still not completely independent. I think I'm going to bite the bullet and start saving up to get a car. I'll still use public transportation, of course. Gas is way to expensive for me to be using my car to commute to school and work, but a car will be incredibly useful for getting around to other places, going up in the mountains, and my favorite summer activity... road trips! So yeah. Now I just need to find a job... a process that I hate.

Get ready folks, 'cause I think this is going to be a long one. In fact, no... I know it's going to be a long one.

I have been thirsting for spiritual knowledge of late. And I don't mean drinking 4 glasses of water a day... I mean constantly craving any little drop of liquid I can get my hands on. I feel a certain separation that I don't quite know how to overcome. I thought it might be from a lack of going to church. And it is, to an extent, but it's not just that. I have really been struggling with finding a proper home. Scum Of The Earth has been my home for many years now, and it's been great. But I feel as though I am ready to take a step up, find a new home that is less social hub and more of a place where I can find real in-depth spirituality. Which is not to say that in-depth spirituality cannot be found at Scum... but I've been there for years, I know everyone there, and it's hard for me to completely focus in that environment. I think this particular thought, of wanting to flee the crowds, stems from my will to return to a simpler faith, one that mirrors that of the original Christians of Paul's day.

Here's where it gets interesting. I've been going through a slump lately. I've never been a fan of depression. Hell, I don't know anyone who likes it. It's something that I deal with from time to time. And lately there have been plenty of catalysts. Feelings of lonlieness, inadequacy, confusion and frustration about my life, and the already stated spiritual thirst. It makes it hard to function day to day because I don't feel like getting out of bed, I don't feel like going out and finding a job and doing the things necessary for living from day to day. And my mind gets especially mixed up and discombobulated to the point where I don't make very good decisions. But I press on, because it's what I need to do. And I'll get over it. I just need some prayers, that's all... I don't care what deity you pray to, it can be a toaster in the sky for all I care, I just need some kind of prayer and good thoughts.

By the way, I never explained why I am calling this blog "My Mind Is Dangerous". It's because it really is dangerous... I find it incredibly easy to destroy things. I'm honestly scared of what I am capable of, which is why this depression state happens... it's knowing that I am too scared to accomplish the things that I imagine. Don't ask me why I get scared, because I have no idea.

I'd just like to take the time to tell you that the sexual tension between Kipper and Felicia is the cutest thing ever.

I'd like to talk about my life right now. My crazy, chaotic life. In fact, I've decided that I am totally open to trading lives, as long as it's not with a totally sucky one. Please.

The reason for this plea is not what you might think it is. It's not loneliness, it's not because I'm frustrated with school, it's not my lack of a job. No, it's because I desperately need a change of scenery. This need for change is the catalyst for my decision to head off to Europe to study abroad, and recently I've considered transferring to Colorado State instead of Metropolitan State College. For any of you who are not familiar with the college scene here in Colorado, MSCD is here in wonderful Denver, while Colorado State is located in Fort Collins, about an hour and a half north of Denver. Colorado State has an excellent Graphic Design program, Fort Collins has plenty to do while still being a small town, and it's close enough to Denver for weekend visits.

The only downside is the cost. Although Fort Collins has a much lower cost of living than Denver, Colorado State is fairly expensive. But hey, there are always Pell Grants and student loans...

Guess what? Contrary to popular beliefs, chocolate does not cause acne.

Also, "Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas" is good for your health. Well, as long as you aren't actually doing the things that Hunter S. Thompson does in that film, or go out and do those things immediately after. Anyway, I saw "Fear And Loathing" tonight with my nemesis Kyle. It happened to be at the Continental Theatre here in Denver as part of their Flashback series. They had a cool little look-alike contest and Kyle recieved the second place prize, which happens to be two tickets to the screening of the director's cut of "Alien". I'll probably end up going with him, unless he finds some girl who really loves that movie. I doubt it.

Rosebud is alive.

My heart rejoices.

That is all. Carry on.

Yesterday my heart was broken. Rosebud, my beloved laptop, went AWOL. It's not recognizing any memory, which is a bad thing.

So I watched Amelie again. When I first saw it oh so many years ago, I just thought it was cute. But after seeing it again, I realized how relevant it is to my life right now, and I realized that I need an Amelie. I don't think I need to say more.

I'd like to take this time to make it clear that it really sucks when you try incredibly hard to get over someone and it just won't happen. I hate my life and I want to die. I'm sure things will be better tomorrow. That's my hope, at least.

Yesterday I attended the Ethos conference with everyone involved in the Genesis bible study. At one point Tony Jones, the keynote speaker for the night, pointed out that Ryan Seacrest of American Idol was like the Jesus of that show, which prompted Joe to say the following:

"Ryan Seacrest... Jesus with hair product."

If you think about it, though, it's true. He's the dude that takes the time to get to know the contestants, get to know their families, and he comforts the people who don't make the cut. He's the one who's there from the beginning to greet everyone who comes out of the audition room, no matter what the outcome is.

Of course, on the other hand he can't turn water into wine or heal lepers or walk on water. Keep up the the kindness, though, Ryan. The world needs it.