Somebody Must Like Me

Soundtrack: "No Excuses" by Alice In Chains

So, I have an internship. The one thing I have been super stressing out about and I finally had one fall into my lap. I will be working with Scholar's Network doing mostly print and some web design. I can't quite put into words how excited I am... we'll just say "very".

2006 will be ending in a few days and I cannot be happier. It was a terrible year in which bad situations only became worse globally and more locally, I returned to an annoying pattern of mild self-destruction. At least I'm not a drug addict or homeless. Or both. I only have one resolution for this upcoming New Year's, and that is this: I will not set myself up for disappointment or defeat. That's the only one I'm making this year.

Bah. Humbug.

Soundrack: As Daylight Dies by Killswitch Engage.

I hope everyone had a great Chanukah. I did. And I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas. I'm not even going to mention Kwanzaa because it is totally a make-believe holiday and only white schoolteacher celebrate it. That's right... black people do not celebrate that stupid, creepy holiday. They know better.

I'm writing this from my dad's office at my parents' house in Monte Vista, Colorado. If you don't know where that is, learn some fucking geography, newb. You heard me. It's going to be a white Christmas here in Colorado (most of Colorado, at least), and I couldn't be happier about that. I'm pretty happy right now because my Denver Broncos are winning against the Cincinatti Bengals. Hopefully they don't screw it up... our playoff chances depend on it.

On the subject of Christmas, have I mentioned how much I hate this time of year? If not, I do. I don't want to be a Grinch or anything, but I think it is completely too much. It's overdone on every front, especially commercially. Think about it for a few seconds... what is the first thing that happens as soon as you finish Thanksgiving dinner and wake up after falling asleep during whatever boring football game is on? The Christmas season kicks into full gear. Sometimes retailers don't even wait until Thanksgiving and they get a head start as soon as Halloween is over.

It's ridiculous.

I don't want to hear Christmas songs 24/7 for a whole fucking month. I don't want to have to be reminded of hour the average consumer spends $907 on the holidays alone. I don't want to be reminded of how a holy man named Saint Nicholas has been turned into a sad caricature of consumerism. I don't want to be reminded of how people don't even know how to fucking spell Christmas... so far this year, I've seen X-mas and even X-mass far more than I've seen the real spelling. And I certainly don't want to be reminded of how inconsiderate and closed-minded assholes are trying to make the idea of Christmas illegal. Oh, sure, it's OK to celebrate Kwanzaa, but no Christmas. Does anyone even know what Kwanzaa is? I didn't think so. I do. It's a fake holiday. It was founded by some guy in California in 1967 as an "alternative" to Christmas. Nice.

As I said before, I don't want to sound like a Grinch. All I have been doing is bitching, but I have good reason. Most people don't see Christmas for what it is. It's a gift. If you believe in Christ as your divine Savior, it is a gift from God to His people. Who are his people? Everyone. And I think everyone can get something out of Christmas. It is about giving and sacrifice and upholding promises. It is a time to be surrounded with loved ones. Unless you are unconditionally selfish, Christmas is a holidy for you. And to work so hard to cheapen it, to remove Christmas greetings because they are "biased religious blessings" is bullshit.

I'm tired of caring, though. I'm through caring, actually. I am not going to do it any more. I am going to spend time with my family, I am going to give to the people I love, and I am going to remember a Promise given to me. If it offends you, I have a couple of other words:

FUCK YOU.

And to all of you who celebrate what Christmas is about regardless of race, creed, gender, or religion... THANK YOU.

Blah.

Soundtrack: “We Do Not F*ck Around” by Viva Voce

Inspiration has been very dry lately. It's because of the war in my mind, although things have settled down. But last week was pretty bad. Especially the weekend. I don't want to go into things, because I am still pretty fucked up over it, but I came to some conclusions that rocked my little world. They are conclusions that I am not certain art true, conclusions that I don't know if I believe, but things have been hard.

So here's a poem that should sum things up nicely. Please don't take it literally because this kind of thing just does not work that way.

Vida
Mother, your boy is losing faith in eternity
And father, your son is son is at the end of his rope
Lover, your beloved searches concrete jungles for you
Please brother, I'm not sure how much more you can take

The center of the universe is deep within my heart
But my heart is black without the sun
I need someone to light the path that lies beneath my feet
Because it's hard to see in the dark

Mother, please try to let your little one go
And father, your son is all grown up now
Lover, be kind to the one who is young at heart
And brother, always be good to your friends

Because they need you now, even more than you might ever know
Their hearts are quiet and dark
There's an empty house behind those eyes that beg to be filled
With love taken straight from the sun

Fuck Death

Soundtrack: “It's All Over Now, Baby Blue” by Bob Dylan

Yeah, that's right, fuck it. Fuck this thing that takes loved ones' lives and leaves us sad and yearning. I'm sick of losing people in my life, and it is only going to get worse. We are all powerless against it.

Death is a sneaky one. He comes quietly in the night some times, like a thief. Avoiding direct confrontation, just taking a person without a word. At other times he shows up early and prolongs the fact. He makes it as miserable for a person as possible, just to inject pain into the lives of those who love his victim. And every once in a while he takes someone in a blaze of glory. I used to think I wanted this last type of death, something along the lines of being electrocuted while on stage playing in front of a crowd of thousands in some huge arena. But these days I have the thought “I don't want to die alone.” I want to be surrounded by loved ones.

I am not afraid of him, though. I am not afraid to die. And I would sacrifice my life for those I love. How does that proverb go... Greater love hath no man that he lay down his life fore his friends, I think. And it is true.

Many people say that when we die we go somewhere better. That may be true, but that doesn't make it suck any less. Because it means I am just some soul, and while I am sure I'll be happier and far less angsty, it means I will be disembodied. And who wants to be a soul with no body?

These Times Try Men's Souls

Soundtrack: “Bayonetwork” by Norma Jean

I'm really tired of putting up with all of the bullshit in my life. See, last night my housemate Benjamin got drunk and threatened Scott with a pair of knives because he finally got sick of Scott's shit. Scott has this pathetic and annoying habit of welcoming himself onto people's couches. I was getting sick of him sitting around all day too, but you don't pull a fucking knife on someone.

Not only that, but it's been a completely emotionally draining semester. Kyle is having a rough time after having to break off a long-running relationship. And it's been tough for me because he's my friend and I believe in investing myself in Kyle. He's also a business partner and a fellow Christian. All of the heartbreak he is going through has reminded me why I hate relationships, and it makes me wonder why I really wanted one this past summer.

Of course it doesn't help that before all of this erupted, Rhi called me and asked me to run away to Greece with her.

And I'm going to do it.

Because I'm tired of the bullshit.

But I kinda need a job first.

Goodbye Autumn

Soundtrack: “Memorabilia” by Nine Inch Nails

I apologize for the prolonged absence. I have been pretty busy with school and trying to find a job so everything else has taken a back seat. The semester is over as of today, however, so I'll be back at it for your reading pleasure. But for now, here's a poem.

Wanderlust

Restless she paces as she
Forgets social graces and
She wanders
And she wonders
What are you waiting for
As though you lust for more
As you wonder
You wander

But I know
Where this road will take me
Though I have not yet traveled it
And seeking
To stop this restless heart
That is constantly wandering

To you

To you

I let my wanderlust
Go wherever it must
She wanders
I wander

If I Go Away...

Soundtrack: “In The Arms Of Sleep” by The Smashing Pumpkins

Will anyone notice? I'm sure someone would.

So then, a more pertinent question might be, if I go away will anyone care?

Once again, I'm sure someone would.

So, then, if I go away, would anyone understand? I'm not so sure. But I think I might need to go away for a while.

Let's just say that this week I realized that family is the only thing I have in this world right now. Note that when I say that I mean not just family by blood, but also my extended family of close friends because they are indeed family in my eyes. And yes... they are all I have or even care about in this world. I honestly don't care about anything else. Other than God, but I suppose one could lump Him in there with family as well. It used to hurt to not care, but I don't even care about that anymore. And I have to admit it is just a little scary.

As an addendum, note that I said “go away”, not “die”. Very important difference there so I thought I would clarify.

I feel bad about slacking off on the poetry front. So here's a peace offering... an oldie but goodie that turned into a song.

Compromise

Now I offer up this compromise
Now I offer up this apology
Now I tear it all apart
What would I have done differently

Everything
So there

This is not happening like it should
But isn..t that the way it goes
So much we want to say
What could I have done instead

Everything
So there

So just go ahead
Let..s see what you bleed
Blood or not there will be pain
So we..ll offer up this compromise

And now, triumphant we yell ..Take that!..
But it never seems to help
What would we have done instead
What would we do differently

Everything
So there

So just go ahead
Let..s see what you bleed
Blood or not there will be pain
So we..ll offer up this compromise

Transducer Saturation

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Cursing Robot.

Just Press Play Pt. II

Soundtrack: “Stand And Feel Your Worth” by Thrice

So, I started to reply to the Saint's comment on yesterday's blog, but it started turning into a novel and so I have for you part two that is the saga of Toph trying to find some ambition in his life. The Saint has this to say: “Toph, you piss me off because I know you could be hugely successful if you just put your mind to it. I mean, God did not go short on you when it came to talent. But why don't you ever use it, man?” And he is 100% right.

It is also something I have been hearing my whole life, and it has never sunk in. I used to shut down, in fact, as though it was some kind of enormous pressure on me to be Albert Einstein or something. But last Thursday I attended the opening of the Community College of Denver Student Art Show and I was blown away because here were all these people my age having their art judged by professionals and getting scholarships. I never used to care much about awards, they are nice but to me they were either just pretty pieces of paper or pretty pieces of paper that I can spend on whatever trivial things I felt like spending it on that week.

But the student art show was different. Because everyone was asking me “Toph, where is your stuff? You should have entered!’ and it actually meant something. And I have realized in the last week that I am completely selling myself short.

And so now I stand at a crossroad in my life. Comments like the one Saint made used to make me shut down when I was a kid because I would want nothing to do with any of that “stuff”. I didn't want to be successful, I just wanted to fit in. And then in middle school and high school I discovered music and all I wanted to do was become a rock star like Kurt Cobain. Minus the shooting myself in the head part because if I'm dead how do I enjoy my vast wealth? I have always been a dreamer. And I have always had dreams of being successful, but they are dreams of me 5 or 10 or 20 years down the road. Yoda could have been talking about me when he spoke of Obi Wan to Luke in The Empire Strikes Back. “All his life has he looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph.”

So now I look to success today. If I keep the wheel to the right, towards the future, I will eventually crash into something. If I keep it to the left, to the past, I will again crash. But if I keep it straight, turning it occasionally when it is necessary, I will be able to get to my ultimate goal. There may be bumps in the road, but if I keep my eyes on the road ahead I'll be fine.

Just Press Play

Early on in my blogging career I explained why I gave this blog it's title. It's been several months, though, so I thought I would 'splain it again.

Basically, I can accomplish, achieve, learn, or overcome anything set before me. But, by default I am set to self-destruct mode in order to make things more interesting and challenging. Yes, it as annoying as it sounds. But after much recent reflection and prayer, I have set off the impetus for my success in life by overcoming this self-destruction. As I said before, if I don't think I will be successful at a venture, I will not undertake it. I do not deal with failure well, and I deal with success even worse. I am not sure why. Perhaps I am afraid that by being successful it will mean I will have to give up who I am. Perhaps it is a deep-seeded rebellion against the good protestant work ethic that flows like milk and honey in my family. Heck, maybe it's a combination of short attention span and laziness. I don't know. But what I do know is that I have to overcome the urger to make life harder for myself if I want to get anywhere in life.

Something Happens And I'm Head Over Heels
Soundtrack: “Love Will Tear Us Apart” by Joy Division

So, I had to turn word verification on because the spambots were getting totally annoying. So, now you have to type in a letter code to comment. I know, it's totally a drag. Just deal.

Donnie Darko is amazing. I'm sitting here, watching one of the most amazing movies ever. I'd write more, but nothing comes to mind and Joy Division is playing. Good night.

Why Religion and Politics Do Not Mix Well
Soundtrack “Four Cornered Lives” by Vaux

Another election has passed and it has become apparent that people are retarded.

Maybe that's a little harsh, so I'll say instead it is apparent that people are ignorant. In Colorado there were two important ballot issues. One was an amendment to the state constitution that defined marriage strictly as a union between a man and a woman. Wait a second. When was a state amendment necessary to define marriage? What of those who have a different definition, are we saying that they are not human? It passed, and a referendum that allowed for domestic partnerships that are not defined as marriages was voted down.

Some might be asking why this is a bad idea. It is an incredibly awful idea because in the United States we have two documents called the Constitution and Bill of Rights that declares that people who are citizens of this wonderful nation have certain inalienable rights. The first amendment reads "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances." It is that first sentence that is most important. Freedom of religion, or lack thereof.

First of all, I don't agree with the homosexual lifestyle. I think it is immoral, but I also understand the concept of free will. It is an important concept for people to grasp, yet people cannot seem to be able to do so. When you restrict the rights of a certain groups, or write legislation that favors a certain majority, you are cheapening the quality of life of the group or persons who are having their right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness restricted. This includes gay people. We've abolished slavery, why can we not allow people who choose to live a certain way to live their lives?

Here's another way to look at it. Try looking at it from an entirely different perspective. Suppose you lived in a society where homosexual relationships were the norm. If the government put into place legislation that did not allow legal heterosexual relationships, aka the traditional marriage, would you not be outraged? I know I would.

It's a touchy subject, for sure. Ultimately I look at things this way: as a follower of the teachings of Jesus Christ, I am to show love to everyone I encounter. I'm not always the best at doing this, but I try. I believe that restricting people's rights is not showing love. It is pretty much the opposite, actually. So when I do things to hurt or disadvantage a fellow human being in the name of morality, a morality they obviously do not share with me, I am doing the opposite of showing the love of Christ. And so is everyone else who does this.

Jesus Christ hung out with the Scum of the earth. He saved an adulterous prostitute's life. He wasn't about the moral high road, because He knew that no man or woman can take that road until he or she has accepted grace. There are a lot of people who have not accepted grace. Let's try to show them a little love. Their lives depend on it.

This is my plea... stop the hate. It's killing me.

Help Me.
Soundtrack: “Teardrop” by Massive Attack

I don't want to care or feel any more.

I really don't.

It is too painful.

Sorry, Christopher Is Not Home Right Now
Soundtrack: “Are You With Me” by Vaux

A few years ago my therapist told me that having a lot in common with a pretty girl is not grounds for being in love. He also told me that he thought my fascination with death was unhealthy.

I thought he was a quack. He's not my therapist any more.

But I think I see where he was going with the love thing. And it has me thinking, "Well, what is grounds for love, then?"

It's a thought that runs through my head more and more each day. And then my lovely mother sent me an email the other day that said “Christopher, you are closer to 30 now than you are 20.” Thanks mom. Thanks for one more added pressure that is the boiling kettle of my life.

I don't deal with pressure well. In fact, I just shut down. It's been happening my whole life, and I think I have finally determined why.

I just want to be normal.

“But silly Christopher, nobody is normal. Everyone is a unique flower!”

Bullshit.

I was made superior to some people. It's a fact of life. I was made to do things that other people cannot do. It's not egotistical, it is the truth. There are some people who can do things I cannot do. Such as rocket scientists and politicians. But they cannot see things the way I do. And it is a little scary.

Because I don't know if I will ever find a special lady friend that lives up to my standards.

As of late I have stopped caring about a great deal. I've decided to stop worrying, and it's working. Maybe a little too well. I don't want to have to deal with pressure any more. I don't want to have to deal with people telling me “Gee Chris, you are the best designer in the class!” I can't even turn my fucking homework in on time. I have tried. And I fail every time.

Maybe I am destined to be the failure in this life, overwhelming success in the next. Van Gogh is fucking rich and he's dead. So is Picasso. And Kurt Cobain.

Trick Or Treat!!!
Soundtrack: “Into The Void” by Nine Inch Nails

So, I also posted this over at the Genesis blog, but I decided to post it here as well. It's about Halloween and how people who think it's Satanic are dumb. More or less.

Hi, I'm Toph. Today marks the start of a new blog I will be writing dedicated to culture and how it relates to the elemental life.

So what does this mean? It means I am going to look at cultural events and trends and examine how they fit into this whole Jesus thing. Yes, I just said Jesus. I don't intend on dumbing things down for anyone. You should know that this blog is going to be from my point of view and contain my opinions, so you may be offended regardless of whether or not you subscribe to any kind of Christian theology. I'm not here to be judge and jury, though, so please do not expect retarded commentaries like "God hates fags" or anything like that. It's not in my nature.

Today is All Saint's Day, also known as All Hallow or Hallowmas. Which means that yesterday was Halloween. Yes, the day that most American children get dolled up in costumes of varying types and are unleashed upon the cringing masses. Yesterday my housemates and I ran out of candy within a couple of hours, which worked out anyway because it was Tuesday night and that means the Pretty Boy School of Public Speaking. Don't fret if you do not know what that means, I'll explain that in an upcoming blog.

So where am I going with this Halloween thing? Well, I am glad you asked. Halloween is hotly contested in the Christian world. There is one camp that says it's a harmless holiday that no longer resembles the Pagan holiday it shares a date on the calendar with. Others say that since it was derived from the druidic day of Samhain, it is intrinsically evil and should not be celebrated. And then there are the people who don't even care.

Let me throw some history your way. Halloween originated as a Pagan harvest festival among the Celts of Ireland and Great Britain with Irish, Scots, Welsh and other immigrants transporting versions of the tradition to North America in the 19th century. The term Halloween, and its older spelling Hallowe'en, is shortened from All-hallow-even, as it is the evening before All Hallows' Day. "Ah, yes," you are thinking to yourself. "He mentioned that in the first sentence of this blog. But I still don't know what it is." All Hallow's Day is the day in which many cultures honor the memory of the saints who have gone before us. By saints I do not mean the canonized Catholic saints, but the saints of God, which is all believers. So while it originated from the ancient harvest festival known as Samhain, Pope Gregory IV changed that when the date of All Saint's Day was moved from the middle of May to coincide with the old superstitions and further assimilate Celtic culture into Christian culture

So what does this mean as far as deciding how to celebrate this creepy holiday? Absolutely nothing and absolutely everything. See, here's the thing... Samhain and Halloween are completely different holidays. Regardless the obvious close association between the two holidays and the lingering Pagan traditions that came from Irish culture, Halloween is a night of celebration. Kids and adults alike have the chance be the imaginary, or sometimes real, character of their choice for a single night. It is a chance for us to come to terms with our morbid curiosity and watch our fill of cheesy and sometimes not so cheesy horror films. But most of all, it is a celebration of life.

I think of Halloween as a part of All Saint's Day. So do Mexicans who celebrate Dia de los Muertos, the Day of the Dead. That is what it is. and it is a way for us to pay tribute to our ancestors who have passed. Sure, trick or treating is fun and Halloween has definitely turned into a huge commercial holiday. But people who skip Halloween because it's Pagan should stick with their convictions and skip Christmas and Easter, too. Because those two holidays are Pagan holidays too. Burn your Christmas trees, folks, and forget about the presents. And let's not decorate Easter eggs, either. Yes, Halloween is another sad example of how hypocritical fundamentalist crackpots love to make controversy out of something harmless. I pray that they find no more victims. And I also pray for them, for they know not what they do.

Well, I'm done. Let the hating start, people. Because I have a hankering to shower the love of Jesus on anyone who dares get snippy with me. And I will do it, I'm not even kidding.

The Great Outdoors
Soundtrack: “I Am A Man Of Constant Sorrow” by John Hartford

I have realized recently that I cannot remember the last time I went out and enjoyed the beautiful sights and sounds of nature that Colorado so lovingly offers us, her residents.

And so I've resolved to go out and frolic in the mountains as soon as is humanly possible for me. It's about time. And if anyone would like to help me out with that, I would sure appreciate it.

In other news, I had a super freaking awesome night last night, and I did so without having to consume more than 1 alcoholic beverage. That's pretty damn good, I'd say. I met up with some old high school friends, carroused with a drunken Benjamin, and in general just enjoyed being back out and about after a stressful week trying to get all sorts of stupid crap done. Important crap, yes, but stressful and therefore stupid.

Oh, I Forget...
Soundtrack: “Street Carp” by the Deftones

Bathóry

Summer fell upon me
With all of it's lush decadence
I wore it upon my sleeve
And I bathed in it's excess

Autumn fell, a shower of gold
Dignified and beautiful
I wore robes of white and silver
And I bathed in milk and roses

Winter fell upon me
The virgins' blood on my velvet gown
Languidly wearing a smirk on my face
And I bathed in crimson serum

Winter fell as I did
Cruel and cold, dark and dire
I danced upon the scales of the Dragon
And I bathed in the fires of Hell

Autumn Wonderland
Soundtrack: snowy silence and the tapping of laptop keys

Today is the first big snow of the year. It started off sleeting this morning, then the sleet turned to slushy snow, and then the slush turned into wonderful big fat flakes of snow that caught in my eyelashes and slowly melted. It's been precipitating since I woke up this morning and it's been going all day long. That means that the high country is getting plenty of snow, and that makes my soul sing with joy.

Despite the snow it is still Autumn here in Colorado. And to honor this, my favorite season, I have written a poem. Enjoy.

Autumn
I traverse these autumn shadows
Black Cat can't even see my path
My foot falls silent, eyes always seeking
The dry dead leaves part as the red sea

But here in the silence
These dark forms stalk me
My fear overwhelms
As my eyes cloud
Intangible sadness
I won't let it take me
I unfurl black wings
And I fly away.

Unseen horrors peek from dark corners
They lick their lips and gnash their teeth
My mind falls silent, I can't let them find me
My fear parts as the red sea
And I traverse my mountains of uncertainty
And let my wings bandage me
My eyes fall silent, my soul always searching
And in a moment the tide is turned.

My fear will run away before me
My eyes wil paralyze their legs
My enemies will bow before me
And offer their necks to my sword

“If Jesus Christ's Second Coming Were Tomorrow...”
Soundtrack: “One Love” by Massive Attack

"... He would be killed by Christians."

Not my words, but the words of an amazing slam poet. These words were heard at the Denver Art Museum Hamilton building opening.

It was amazing.

Killing My Darlings
Soundtrack: “An Eclipsing” by Stavesacre

It's taken me a while, but I had a pretty shocking revelation recently. This revelation is about responsibility mainly, but also entitlement. I realized that I need to focus on how the decisions I make in my life affect me, not how others' decisions play into my life. Because I have no control over the decisions that others make, but I sure as hell have a say in how my own decisions work for me.

In other words, I need to stop shooting myself in the foot.

It's true. I am exceptionally good at self-destruction, and I wasn't sure why up until very recently. It is because I like to make my life as difficult as possible. It's emotional masochism in a way. Part of it is fuel for my creativity (animosity breeds innovation) and part of it is because I want to overcome the challenges behaving in a self destructive way presents.

Yup, I'm fucked up.

Finding Happiness In Depression
Soundtrack: "In Regards To Myself" by Underoath

Some say depression is a sin. I say those people are crazy. See, I've learned to thrive on depression. I've learned to take it and club it into submission. I do my best creative work when I feel like my world is collapsing around me. And there is nothing like the feeling of being right on the edge, of being in peril of falling over the edge of the cliff. It's an emotional adrenaline rush of sorts.

So what am I depressed about? Um, everything. Because I am afraid. I am afraid of fear and afraid of failure. I am afraid I may not accomplish anything I have set out to do. But I am not worrying about it. When I have these thoughts of fear, I send them up into my Beloved's hands because I know that only He has the strength to take them on.

Phoenix
You can not be real
But you claim to be me
I'd like to know how
To get you off my back (monkey)
These Autumn leaves burn red
As dos my blackened heart
These soldiers march through my soul
And occupy my mind

But I know
Something you don't
This fire
Purifies gold
Don't hold on
To what you've got
Let ye
Be judged and destroyed

I am so real
But not in this room
I watch my body burn
So I can rise again
These Autumn leaves burn red
As dos my blackened heart
These soldiers march through my soul
And occupy my mind

But I know
I will live again
This fire
Purifies me
Don't hold on
To what you've got
Lest it
Be taken from thee

I destroyed myself tonight
So I can fly again
This cleansing fire
And this pure water
Lift me up again

I destroyed myself tonight
So I can live again
This burning desire
And this pure soul
Will fly yet again

A Doozie Of A Biology Lesson
Soundtrack: "Ignition" by Stretch Armstrong

My dear mother sent the following tidbit to my e-mail inbox and I cracked up for what seemed like eternity. I thought I'd share with all of you out in internet land.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.

(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my
wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 Lizards... $140
1 Cage... $50
Trip to the Vet... $30
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless

Moral of the story: Finish biology class. Lizards lay eggs.

Telling The Untold Stories
Soundtrack: "Fixation On The Darkness" by Killswitch Engage

Breath

Little girls grow up
And break their fathers' hearts
Little boys become armchair gladiators
Follow the American dream
But I stand alone
And let the rain soak in
While office flunkies run
Holding soaked newspapers over their heads

I sleep on the pavement
Of this city I call my own
I take with me nothing
But these things I hold inside
My skin is stone
But my soul, it transforms
Soon I will be light
To stand out against consuming black

These little lies we hold
These severed truths we hide
I am standing outside the fray
Where will you be when this ends?
And I still stand alone
And let this light soak in
While the weekend warriors run
To try to escape the fire

Just breathe

Just believe.

I Like To Make Life Excruciating
Soundtrack: “Roses” by Outkast

I still have not been able to remedy the problem of no power supply for my laptop, which is excruciating. Aha, I have successfully used that word twice in one blog entry. Beat that. Anyway, not having a laptop has been hell because I'm tied down to my tired old PC at home. And I tend to be less than productive on that thing, especially since I have Need For Speed Underground 2 loaded on it. Which, speaking of, I was up until 6:30 am this morning playing that thing. Man that game is addictive. “Just... one... more... race...”

I have also been busy, so that along with no computational mobility makes for very few blog entries indeed. Do not fret, though, my pretties. Once I have an AC adapter for Rosebud (the name I have given to my laptop), I will be blogging slightly more often and with more gusto. I am trying to inject some dedicated blogging time into my day, hopefully that happens.

Stay tuned for more on how I like to make my life hard. It promises to be entertaining.

Jet Ski Lessons
Soundtrack: "Recado Bossa Nova" by Hank Mobley

It's been a rough week for me. Monday didn't start out too bad. Since it was Labor Day I had the day off from classes, so I hung out with Kyle for most of the day. We did some design work and shot some photos. Afterwards we headed over to Joe's for Genesis. While I was over there I had my laptop set up on a stool with the power adapter running across the width of the room to the wall. Dawson, Joe's dog, is the most neurotic creature on earth and he likes to freak out and run around all the time. And, well, he ran straight through the power cord, yanking it forcibly out of my laptop. The end was all bent, so Joe and I tried to fix it. Alas, we only made things worse. Anyway, that was the end of my power adapter, and I've been without one the whole week. Since my PowerBook only has 3-4 hours of battery life, I had to transfer some important design files and shut it down until I can recharge the battery. So I've been using my PC for doing design projects, and that's rough. Stupid windows.

On top of that, I got sick on Tuesday and it got worse on Wednesday. Turns out to be Bronchitis. Wonderful. So I've been drinking tons of liquids, especially orange juice, and taking it easy. I really shouldn't be awake right now, but the insomnia isn't letting me sleep and so here I am. Of course, I'll live. And I keep telling myself I don't have it that bad, especially since there are starving children in Africa.

One of my favorite shows on television is Whose Line Is It Anyway? You can tell the guys have so much fun doing the show, especially when they have a guest appearance by someone like Richard Simmons. In fact, that episode is still my favorite, I couldn't breathe by halfway into it. And look, I just happen to have it for your enjoyment.

Victory Through The Cunning Use Of Flags
Soundtrack: "Wherever I May Roam" by Metallica

I stalk through the no man's land
Gingerly avoiding the spidery mines
They blindly float through this tortured atmosphere
Feeling out the helpless victims with spindly arms

Run and leap
From cloud to cloud
Hold on tight
To your banner
Once you reach
Your intention
Plant it deep

This burden hangs heavy on my heart
I gingerly avoid all responsibilities
But they blindly follow me anyway
Feeling me out with their darkened tendrils

This world is bearing down on me
This world is bearing down on me
This world makes it hard to see
But I will not let this world break me

I can see
The battlefield
Holding tight
To my banner
I will reach
My destination
And plant it deep

Rock and Mutha Snorkin’ Roll
Soundtrack: “Electioneering” by Radiohead

So, Friday night I witnessed one of the most epic shows I’ve ever seen. Planes Mistaken For Stars and Avail were at the 3 Kings Tavern as part of Denver Fest II. And it was rock and roll, baby. I had blood on my sleeve after the show. Now that's a good rock concert. And it's probably the only time I am ever going to see Avail, so I was really excited to see them. Later on this month is Vaux with the Photo Atlas, Dead To Fall with Misery Signals, Throwdown with Zao, Evergreen Terrace, and Maylene and The Sons of Disaster, and last but not least Mastodon with Converge and The Bronx. I doubt I’ll be able to see all of those shows, but for sure I'm checking out Vaux, Throwdown, and Mastodon. Yay, metal.

School is going great. Both classes are pretty cool, especially Design and Concept. I think I am going to post updates of my progress in that class. The first project that we’re working on right now is a masthead for a magazine that we will eventually be designing. Look for that this next week.

Innit Technology Wonderful?!
Soundtrack: “Song 2” by Blur

So, I have been hearing friends of mine talking about Skype and I decided to check it out. Skype is a cool little program that lets you talk to friends for free. And by talk I don’t mean instant message, I mean talk. Like people used to do back in the 90’s. The great thing about it is that it is free. It doesn’t stop there, though. Skype offers some super cool features like Skype SMS (which allows you to text a la your super expensive cellular phone plan) and SkypeIn, which gives you your own local phone number that works with Skype. Talk about cool.

Last night was an interesting night. I won't go into the whole thing because things got very creepy at the end of our night. But I would say the highlight of the night was doing a guerilla photo shoot with Brandi and Kyle at the Erie Cemetary in Erie, which is just outside of Denver on the way to Fort Collins. The shots turned out great, unfortunately we had to keep it short because the police were on the prowl. Ironically it was a police officer who told us about the graveyard. We had been scouting locations at one point and we found a stretch of road that looked pretty abandoned and perfect for our means, so we started shooting. The officer pulled up behind us, asked us what we were doing with a camera on the side of the road at that time of night, and we straight up told him what we were trying to accomplish. So he directed us to the graveyard but warned us that "Sarge" was on the patrol, so we should keep things short. After the camera battery died on us, we headed off to find a gas station, then we headed to Hell's Gate. That's when things got creepy. Brandi and I were getting majorly bad vibes, so we left and then parted ways once we got back to Kyle's car. We now have some really cool locations that we can use for shoots in the future, though, so that will be cool.

Saving Typography
Soundtrack: “Dolly Dagger” by Jimi Hendrix

Design by Fire is one of my favorite blogs to read. First of all, it is less of a blog and more of an über-magazine dedicated not only to Design but to the thoughts of Andrei Michael Herasimchuk, who worked for Adobe Systems for many years as an interface designer. Which means he is a big reason why products like Photoshop and Illustrator are so damn fun to use. He was also project lead for Adobe Lightroom from 2002 through 2004 and he currently is a principle designer at Involution Studios. But really, this is not so much about him as it is about his fun and informative writings at Design By Fire. The fact that the site is so well designed is insignificant compared to awesome articles like this one. When I read it, my soul smiled.

The article takes the form of an open letter to John Warnock, who is a god among men in the design world. The letter is a plea from Andrei for John to “consider releasing eight to twelve core fonts into the public domain.” And I have to say, I hope John Warnock reads Andrei’s letter and takes his request seriously. Because the future of design depends on it.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a typography nut. I love it. I love collecting new typefaces and fonts, I love studying the history, and I love it when I can find the perfect typeface for a project… the one that makes all the difference. And I get incredibly frustrated when people just slap some random font on a design without any care or thought. Right now Times New Roman, Arial and Verdana rule the design landscape, especially on the web. While Times is not a terrible font, Arial is nothing more than a poor bastardization of Helvetica and Monotype Grotesque, and Verdana doesn’t even work right (see also Tahoma, which is pretty much just a rehash of Verdana). Part of this problem is Microsoft’s attitude towards typeface licensing. It’s a long story, but back in the late 80’s there was a huge digital typeface language war which led to Apple and Microsoft agreeing upon a cross-licensing and product development deal, the fruits of which would be available to both parties. Microsoft’s solution, TrueImage, never took off, but Apple's TrueType did and TrueType has been built into the Mac operating system ever since. Microsoft was on the bandwagon a couple years later when they introduced TrueType into Windows 3.1. Apple, being the sticklers for quality they are, decided to license a selection of fonts that were very useful for professionals as well as for everyday use, like Helvetica, Times, Courier, and Garamond. Microsoft, being the cheap bastards they are, decided to grab a whole bunch of knock-off fonts, like Arial. Thankfully they also licensed Courier and Times, I'd imagine life without those typefaces would lead to a cold, dark, lifeless world. I shiver at the thought.

So this brings us to the modern day. Right now Apple only has just over 2% of the market share in the computer industry. That means that most of the computers in the world, almost 98% in fact, use Windows as their primary operating system. That means that a majority of amateur graphic design and desktop publishing projects are using fonts like Arial and Verdana. And this is a bad thing. If you have to ask why it's bad, just reread the third paragraph.

What can be done? Well, until Microsoft stops ripping off fonts, there won’t be much that can be done about Windows users having access to bad fonts. Thankfully with Vista and Office 2007 they are changing most of the default fonts that Windows users have overused and abused through the years. Maybe that means less Tahoma and Verdana. I hope so. I think what has to happen is something that Adobe and many of the world’s most prestigious font foundries are not going to like. I think they are going to have to listen to voices of reason, voices like Andrei, and make some sacrifices. I think Microsoft will have to stop being a cheap little bitch and cough up a few dollars for some decent typeface licenses. But most of all I think higher learning institutions are going to have to put more of an emphasis on teaching students about typography. It’s one thing to learn the tools of the trade. But it’s another thing to learn how to use design concepts like composition and typography effectively. And I just don't see that coming from places like the Art Institutes. I dunno, maybe Microsoft and Apple and Adobe need to start helping out in that area too, offering effective and concise tutorials on typography and typefaces to help users out with that side of things. Granted, that is not necessary for the dude who just wants to write an inter-office memo. I don't care what typeface people use for that. But when it comes to graphic design, both print and web, good typography is essential and necessary. I just hope it does not become a lost art.

Cruelty
Soundtrack: “One” by U2

Apparently there is a video floating around the intarweb of a small kitten being doused in lighter fluid and burned to death. I haven’t seen it, but I did stumble upon some screen shots and they made my stomach churn like it’s never churned before. It took me a second to figure out what was going on, and I naturally took a second look to see if it was Photoshopped.

It was the real deal.

And I have to ask myself, why is cruelty such a celebrated thing right now? Why have we as a society come to the point where we are worshiping hardcore porn and animal cruelty? But most of all, I have to ask myself who is capable of these acts? My heart is sad, not just for the kitten but for the soul who committed this act. I pray that he sees how monstrous and unnecessary his abuse was, and I hope he’s brought to justice.

In other news, school is back in session. This week was my first week of classes, and it was a busy week indeed. Not only am I still trying to hash out financial aid (I hope I get it, because if not I’m screwed), but all of my classes have already kicked into high gear. I wouldn’t have it any other way, though. I’m expecting this semester to be fun, even if I probably won’t be getting much sleep. But hey, who needs sleep?

Mission Accomplished
Soundtrack: “I Wanna Be Your Dog” by Uncle Tupelo

I'd like to geek out for a minute. One of my favorite games when I was in High School was Command and Conquer. Real time strategy style games are my favorite genre, they offer the chance to get lost in a world and challenge myself with the destruction of an enemy that is, much of the time, unseen. It's a nice challenge. So when I saw the trailer for the new Command and Conquer 3, well, I've been giddy all morning! This is definitely a game I'm going to look forward to playing, and hopefully it will return RTS games to their rightful place at the top of the video game hierarchy. Here's hoping!

Return Of The Lyrical Jedi
Soundtrack: “Blood Sugar Sex Magic” by Red Hot Chili Peppers

It's an oldie but a goodie.

Plunge

Here we stand
Holding hands
Ready to go over the edge
You grip my hand tight
And ease my fright
We're going to go over that edge

I can feel your strength
And I know you won't let go
Your eyes are reassuring
Telling me all I need to know

Here we plunge
Falling in a lunge
Towards our ultimate goal
Air rushes past my face
As we leave that decrepit place
Your strength is all I need to know

Talking To Americans
Soundtrack: “Would” by Alice In Chains

Although it is not entirely fair that everyone thinks of all Americans as fat and stupid, a great many of us are. Especially stupid. Well, perhaps not stupid, but ignorant. For example, Canada is one of our closest friends. They are our polite, quiet neighbors to the North. And yet we, the rowdy downstairs party animals, know nothing about them. Case in point: Rick Mercer's “Talking to Americans”. Just watch the clip below to see just how many people have no idea who Brian Mulroney is.

Doot doo do-do-do...
Soundtrack: "Mah Na Mah Na" from The Muppet Show

I'll bet you never thought Star Wars could be this funny...

I Am An American
Soundtrack: "Call On My Brothers" by Ignite

I am "unpatriotic" because I believe in a transparent government that adheres to the laws of my nation, and a voting system that isn't operated behind closed doors.

I am "disrespectful" of the office of the presidency because I believe it should be occupied by someone whose policies are aimed at the betterment of my countrymen rather than the sole benefit of his own cronies.

I "don't support the troops" because I believe they shouldn't be placed in harm's way based on lies, nor be under-equipped when sent into combat.

I am "selfish" because I think the interests of my fellow citizens should come before the interests of Big Business, Big Oil and Big Pharma.

I am a "coward" because I don't blindly support military aggression advanced by people who themselves refused to serve in a time of war, or by those who profit from it financially.

I am "unethical" because I believe politicians should debate their opponents on issues, rather than concocting smear campaigns against them personally.

I am "anti-Christian" because I do not accept that people who invariably display un-Christ-like behavior should be called Christians, nor should they, or any other religious group, have influence over my government.

I am "sympathetic to my country's enemies" because I don't support torture, or the killing of innocent civilians.

I am "stubborn" because I insist on thinking for myself, instead of allowing myself to be told what to think.

I am an "intellectual snob", because I seek out the truth, instead of
accepting what I am told without questioning the motives behind it.

I am an "elitist" because I believe in being well-read, well-educated, and well-informed, and do not want my country being governed by those who are clearly none of those things.

I am a "cut-and-run pacifist" because I don't believe that inflaming my alleged enemies' hatred by killing their families and destroying their way of life makes me any safer.

I am a "bleeding-heart" because I believe that diplomacy, rather than killing children, is more likely to lead to peaceful co-existence.

I am "irresponsible" because I believe that those in charge of my government should be held to account when their incompetence and their ulterior motives cause harm to my country.

I am "naïve" because I believe that political corruption should be rooted out instead of being accepted as business-as-usual.

I am an "unyielding skeptic" because I continue to question where millions of taxpayers' dollars have gone when no one is able, nor willing, to explain it.

I am obviously "guilty" of "something" because I refuse to willingly accept being wire-tapped or spied upon.

I am "heartless" when I mourn the loss of my fellow citizens and an entire American city, instead of focusing on the inconveniencing of those who were in a position to assist and ignored their cries for help.

I am "ill-informed" because I do not accept biased media news coverage as being the last word on any topic.

I am "ill-advised" because I want to hear both sides of an issue, and not just the side I am told is the correct side.

I am "stupid" because I don't believe that every Muslim in the world spends their every waking hour thinking about ways to kill me.

I am a "communist" because I believe the wealthy should pay their fair share of taxes instead of placing the entire burden of the national debt on the back of the working middle-class.

I am a "socialist" because I believe that in a country as wealthy as mine, children should not go to bed hungry and people should not die because they cannot afford medical care.

I am "thick-headed" because I question the veracity of things said by people who have been proven to have lied to me over and over, and over again.

I am "godless" because I believe we should respect every person as a child of God, regardless of how they choose to worship Him.

I am a "bigot" because I refuse to hate people on the basis of their income, their color, their ethnicity, or their citizenship.

I am "immoral" because I judge people on the basis of who they are and not on the basis of their sexual orientation.

I am "short-sighted" because I do not foresee that after trillions of dollars spent, tens of thousands of lives lost, and escalating chaos and violence that victory in Iraq is imminent.

I am a "snob" because I do not see the president of my country acting like a clown in public as being charming or funny.

I am an "enemy of the state" because I think both of the major political parties in our nation are led by corrupt bigots who do not care about real issues but instead like to line their pockets with their contributors' money.

How To Calm A Cat In Heat
Soundtrack: “My Last Serenade”

So, apparently there are people out there who have figured out how to calm a cat that is in heat. It's pretty hilarious. Read at your own risk.

We Are All Screwed
Soundtrack: "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails

Yep, we're screwed folks, and not in the good way. Yet again our world leaders are going apeshit after uncovering an alleged terror plot. Now nobody is allowed to bring their own bottled water on board a plane. Fuck health and safety, let's just make everyone's lives miserable. Hell, maybe we can eventually stop any travel once and for all and then we'll all be safe! Yay!

Seriously, what the hell is going on? What kind of a world do we live in now? Terrorists are trying to blow shit up the MacGyver way, our world leaders are freaking out every time there's a plot to kill citizens, and every day there is one more move to make it impossible for any human being to enjoy actual freedom. Let's just let George W. become supreme emperor and then we can start conquering everyone who threatens us in any way. We'll start with France.

Fear No More
Soundtrack: “Self Revolution” by Killswitch Engage

Well folks, the great root canal caper is finally over. I couldn’t be happier, I’m not even sore. But it wasn’t just a day of fixing dental problems, it was a day of fixing something more internal.

I realized today, on my way to the dentist, that I don’t have to be afraid. That I in fact have no reason to be afraid. And so I will not be.

Here's a little background for people who might be confused about this fear thing. For the last 5 years I've been through a series of unfortunate events that have shaken me to the core. Nothing that has been completely life-altering, really, but they have nonetheless affected me. I've found out recently that I am not as resilient as I thought I was. I am good at pretending I’m OK and hiding the inner hurt. I’m good at smiling and saying “It was scary but I handled it well”. And while I did handle these things well on the surface, it was not because I handled things well internally. Quite the opposite, in fact. But I don’t like being a burden or letting people see how I really feel about things. I don't like being vulnerable because when I have been vulnerable in the past I got burned. And it's left me so afraid of failure that half the time I don't even try.

I've realized I don't have to cover up, though. I don't have to look strong or be stoic in times of trial. It’s OK for me to be vulnerable. I’m exremely transparent when it comes to my emotions, which makes all of my fighting to keep people out of my heart ironic.

So I am going to let people in. I'm going to be vulnerable and transparent and let people see what I'm dealing with. I'm done with trying to act tough or together or capable. Because I'm not capable. I'm not good at dealing with my shit. That’s why I surround myself with my friends, so I can forget about the stupid shit and just have a good time. But now there is a new reason to keep myself surrounded by my friends. So they can support me. And I think it is going to be awesome.

Not only that, but I truly believe I have found my place. It’s been known to others for a long time now, but I only realized what it was in the last couple of days. And I’m excited. So what is it, you ask? What is my place? It is truly using the God-given talents I have and giving them back to my Creator. And I couldn’t be happier.

Celibate Good Times
Soundtrack: “Fixation On The Darkness” by Killswitch Engage.

I am pretty sure I am incapable of making good decisions.

In fact, I am about 99% certain that the only decisions I can make are bad decisions.

And I am beginning to recognize that I’m not only mad at the world, I’m mad at myself. I am mad at the world because it doesn't fit in with my idealistic view of things and I am mad at myself for being so self-destructive. But my self-destructive behavior is great fodder for my art. I am much more inspired and productive when I’m depressed and angry and generally in a foul and sociopathic mood. It just goes to show that misery is the river of the world.

The Saga Continues
Soundtrack: “Imperial March” by John Williams

Today was my day of reckoning, the day I went to the dentist’s office to get a root canal. And, well, I got half of one. See, the deal is this: when you have an abscessed tooth, that means that the pulp of the tooth are infected. And that means a lot of pus and all sorts of other infected material just sort of stewing in there. That's part of why my mouth freaked out on me last weekend, the infection spread elsewhere. Abscesses are not small potatoes, if you let them go they can wreak havoc with the nervous system and possibly even be life-threatening. So when they cracked my tooth open today, the doctor found that it was still infected enough to prevent him from doing much. So he scooped out some of the rotten crap in the tooth, shoved some cotton down there, and he's going to finish next week to allow the infection to completely clear out. Needless to say, I'm going to be very happy when all of this is over… it's been
an experience, to say the least.

I will leave you with Darth Vader spinning a familiar tune, in a new way…

Happy Happy Joy Joy
Soundtrack: “Rooster” by Alice In Chains

So, this past weekend was my family reunion, and it was going great except for a mildly annoying tootheache that started on Friday night became progressively worse through Saturday. And the oppressive heat. But it was all good because I got to visit with some relatives I hadn't seen in about 10 years, which was awesome. And then Sunday morning rolls around and I wake up feeling like someone has maliciously, and with much gusto, nailed me in the mouth with an aluminum baseball bat. All sorts of stuff in my mouth is swollen up like a ballon and I'm sore as hell. So on Monday I went to the dentist and got some x-rays. The prognosis? An abcessed tooth the size of Texas. Not fun. So I go in for a root canal in a couple of hours. I can't say I'm excited about the root canal, but I'll be glad when it's all over. I'm hoping I won't have to get too hopped up on drugs once it's all over, but we'll see. My brother broke his collar bone not too long ago and he has some left over somewhere, so if I need it I'll just track it down.

In other news, this past weekend was my family reunion. Despite the oppresive sun that jacked the temperature up and made it nearly unbearable to sit outside, a great time was had by all and I got to catch up with some relatives I hadn't seen in years and years. I was picky about the food I ate due toothache, but I still got to partake of some delicious roasted pig on Saturday. And of course I drank some beer, because what is a Hast Family reunion without beer?

Family Ties
Soundtrack: “Tonight, Tonight” by The Smashing Pumpkins

Today is day one of my family reunion, and I’m excited. It's the big Hast family reunion where all of the decendents of my great grandma and grandpa Hast get together and have a ridiculous amount of good times. We play a lot of horseshoes and volleyball and talk and laugh and reminisce. We’re loud and obnoxious, not in the crazy My Big Fat Greek Wedding kind of way, but in a good, friendly way. And of course, what would a German Lutheran family reunion be without the beer?! We're not drunks, but we can drink ‘em if we need to! Most of all it's about seeing people that you might not see again for another two years.

Family is very important to me. I think everyone should have a sense of where they came from– what their heritage is, who their ancestors are. I know a lot of people who hear me describe my family reunions and they can’t fathom it. They aren’t close with their family, or sometimes altogether hate their family. I don’t know where that comes from. Just fifty years ago there was a huge focus on families. People would gather in their living rooms and watch television shows like “The Lone Ranger” and “The Honeymooners” and eat their TV dinners. Very communal. These days you don’t see an emphasis on that anymore. Although there is a new sort of connection within families, with the advent of instant messenging and cellular phones. Everyone has some sort of family plan so that the 21st century family can still keep in contact despite everyone’s busy lives. I grew up within a close-knit family, and I couldn't be happier. Phooey on instant dinners and cell phones and no together time... I’ll take my old-fasioned family any day!

Clam Chowder
Soundtrack: “Climbing Up The Walls” by Radiohead

I appreciate the the men and women of the Denver Police Department are trying to keep our streets safe, I really do, but don't you think that giving someone a sobriety test because they forgot to turn their headlights on while driving on very well-lit streets in downtown Denver is a little much? Apparently not. Because tonight I was pulled over for not having my lights on. An honest mistake, our streets are very well-lit and safe. The cop asked me if I had been drinking and I told him not for a few hours. He asked me how many drinks I had and I told him two or three beers, which is what I indeed had consumed. He asked me if I had drank anything else and I told him no. So what does he do?

Mister cop thought it was funny to make me go through a sobriety check.

First off, I wasn't drunk. As I said before, I had all of three beers tonight, and I hadn't imbibed any fine alcoholic beverages in a few hours, so I was good to go. I wasn't weaving, I wasn't driving erratically, I just forgot to turn my lights on. Now, I'm not a graceful person. I have a horrible sense of balance and I'm just an all-around klutz with two left feet. On top of that I've never done that shit before so I'm nervous as hell. So I bobbled a little bit on one of the tests (the one where you hold your foot up a few inches off the ground and count until you fuck up). They let me go, of course, since I was perfectly sober, but he made it sound like I was wasted when he sent me off.

I don't usually drive, but my dad went off to go fight forest fires in California and so I have my parent's car for the weekend until my mom swaps it out for my dad's truck, which I'll have until my dad gets back from the fire, whenever that is. I haven't owned an automobile since 2003, and for good reasons. Insurance is expensive, Gasoline is ridiculously expensive, people like to drive like they total space cases, and now there's boyscout cops who like to spend their time harrassing me even though I was very clearly not drunk at all.

Other than that, I had a splendid day.

Why Don't My Doors Stay Open?
Soundtrack: “Risingson” by Massive Attack

Doors open and doors close, but it seems as though recently doors will close on me before I can even get there. Case in point: I was recently offered the Production Manager job for the CCD Community News. It wouldn't have paid much, but it would look awesome on a resume and give me plenty of experience. Now here's the catch... today I was informed by the Editor that production of the paper has been put on hold for reasons out of her control. Great. Just spiffy.

Then there are the ten million internships I've applied for. I'll get to a point where people are genuinely interested in utilizing my skills, and then completely flake out on me for no apparent reason. It's absolutely stellar for the self esteem, I'll tell you that.

I think part of the confusion that I am going through is due to having these doors slam shut in my face. I feel as though I'm recieving mixed signals in regards to the direction of my life. And it's incredibly frustrating.

Of course, there are times that I've completely dropped the ball, and I need to stop doing that. But I think it would help if I knew where the hell I am supposed to be right now.

Midlife Crisis?
Soundtrack: “Rock And Roll Suicide” by David Bowie, “Midlife Crisis” by Faith No More

I may be having a premature midlife crisis. They have a name for them, I just don't remember what it is.

Simply put, I'm not sure who I am or where I should be going. And it's a little annoying.

For my whole life I've struggled with my identity and trying to be accepted. I got over the acceptance thing by the end of my Junior year of High School. But I don't know if I've ever really known who I was.

I think the biggest problem with this is that since I don't know who I am I don't know how to relate with others. But I don't have an identity crisis, necessarily. So maybe I do know who I am, but I just won't admit it. It's entirely possible that I'm not happy with who I am, thus the confusion.

I definitely don't like where my life is right now, but I don't know what to do about it. I'm so wrapped up in trying to do so many different things right now. I'll try to buckle down and prioritize and I end up getting dragged back into everything again. I have so many interests, and I know many people who have a lot of interests, but for some reason I have a hard time balancing everything. I think it's my right-brainedness. I'm terrible at organization, even though I have all sorts of OCD tendencies.

At any rate, it's something of a perplexity for me. I have tried to take control of my life and so far it hasn't happened, and I'm worried about how this bodes for my future. I don't want to have to rely on someone else to help me take care of important matters, and I don't know if there is anyone out there who is willing to do that for me. So, I am just going to have to try harder. Hopefully one day I will prevail.

I am Giddy Beyond Belief!
Soundtrack: “Zero” by The Smashing Pumpkins

It seems as though 2007 is the ultimate year for all things sentimental about the 80's. Transformers hits next July, and Spiderman 3 is based on the classic 80's "Secret Wars" story arc that introduced Spidey's symiotic alien black costume, which eventually became Venom. Who is only the most bad ass supervillian ever.

And then yesterday I came upon this... TMNT. This is not another lame TMNT movie, kids, this is a whole new thing based on the Eastman and Laird comic books. We're talking old school. I'm so excited.

Everything Matters
Soundtrack: “Holy Diver” by Killswitch Engage

If there was any doubt that The Big Lebowski has a lot of F-bombs, this should quickly kill any such doubt so dead it cries for it's momma. Yep, it's the f***ing short version of The Big Lebowski. I would skip it if you don't like the F-bombs.

On a serious note, someone who is a wiser person than I recently said "… everything matters, it's just how much it matters to you." And it's so true. I'm finding that lately my relationships with the people that I know and love are the most important thing ever. And I have had so many friends through the years that trying to keep up with them all can be exhausting. When Joe found out on Monday that his grandfather, who isn't much older than my grandparents, has terminal cancer, my head reeled with thoughts of mortality. Not my own as I said previously, but of my friends and family. I don't know how to deal with death. I don't openly weep because when I hear that someone who I am very familiar with has died, it leaves such a void in my heart that I sometimes can't function. I just sit there in shock, looking like a fish out of water gasping for breath.

I've also been finding myself feeling increasingly sentimental in the last year and a half. I seek out old friends that I knew years ago in the hope that I can maybe renew some ties that time has broken down. And I'm not sure where it comes from. Maybe I'm just becoming a big softy. But what I cannot deny is that friends matter. More than I may even know.